Charlie Brown can only afford the one outfit because he works for peanuts.
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Had a dream some of my friends were mooning me, woke up at the crack of Don.
Sorry I was late. The only open lane was the chatty cashier and I had to just put everything back
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
Take me down to Vatican City where the church loves greed and the Pope’s all quitty!
– Nuns N’ Moses
(I’m so sorry)
Group- “Can believe Jesus just turned water into wine?!”
Me- *cutting up lines of table salt* “hey um, Jesus… soo can you do me a favor?”
[job interview]
“What’s your greatest weakness?”
I’m always hungry
“That’s not what I-”
*takes out a cake* Also, I don’t like to share
Bad cop *plants drugs in perps car*
Gardener cop *adds mulch & Miracle-Gro®*
My favorite part about parenting is hearing things like, “Mom, you have eyes like a mongoose” from my 8 year old.
boss: can i see u in my office
me: [putting on camo jacket] i guess we’ll find out
Weirdly Wednesday.
Most people call me “bad at pickup lines”
But you?
You can call me tonight.
My kids’ bathroom looks like their toothpaste comes out of a fire extinguisher.
OMG, shoot him with a crossbow one time and he never shuts up about it.
It wasn’t even fatal.
Me: get behind me Satan!
Satan: not tonight, I’ve got a headache
I lost 800 pounds (7 friends) since i started the keto diet
R.I.P.
Me: *sniffing* so hell smells like pizza…
Satan: *nodding*
Me: but just to remind me that I’ll never eat pizza again…?
Satan: *beaming* isn’t it just so evil??
Me: (through tears) so creative
I just called one ex a calculator and another a potential murder victim so if you’re looking for metaphors, I’m probably the grapefruit.
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
Once again not all heroes wear capes
What do you mean you no longer like one of the five foods you actually eat: a parenting memoir
I was at the shops & the woman in front of me was asking where the cucumbers were
The assistant came back with a small cucumber & she said “yes I saw that but I want a big one” & I actually said out loud “that’s what she said” & yes I think I spend too much time on the Twitter
*workers slide massive stone block into place entombing me alive*
me: *finally starting to wonder if this might be a pyramid scheme*
Who wants to hear about my father’s colonoscopy? He apparently thought I did.
Lawyers are good at twisting words but not as good as drunk me when I’m explaining where I’ve been.
Star Wars spoiler: Ross and Rachel end up together in the end.
[camping]
Him: Did you eat the last s’more?
Me: No.
Him: You’re lying.
Me: How do you know?
Him: Your pants are literally on fire.
*At the couch store
“How many loads of laundry does this one hold?”
If Home Depot doesn’t want me doing body rolls in the lumber aisle then they shouldn’t be playing Gloria Estefan.
I love the compliments my boss gives like “wow you’re on time today” and “great job ignoring dress code again”.