Charlie Brown grew up to become a good grief counselor
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English: i before e, except after c.
Science: Ummmm, No.
your mom gives me a small baked snack. it’s on a napkin. idk where the trash can is so I just eat that too
[job interview]
“Why do you want to be a librarian?”
I like people
“What do you like about them?”
*whispers* I like telling them to shut up
On all dating sites, my profile name is Chupacabra, and my profile picture is a Chupacabra, which surprisingly does not deter men at all.
Friend – Your grammar is horrible.
Me – My grammar is 97 and she’s a saint. You watch your mouth
Gun people are always like “you can pry it out of my cold dead hands”
Why are you dead in your own story, must not be a very good gun
SEANCE MEDIUM: The Ouija Board just keeps spelling out racist epithets and casserole recipes, over and over again?!
ME: Grandma?
George H.W. Bush, age 90, went skydiving yesterday.
I’m 45 & I strained my hamstring getting out of my car.
My new toaster is making me agree to an updated user agreement before giving me my bread back.
The rest of the Justice League always makes Aquaman eat at Long John Silvers so they can watch him cry.
Buy living room furniture that matches your pet’s hair because, work smarter not harder.
Made the mistake of laughing at something my 7yo said and thus entered into a 72-hour hell spiral of listening to him repeat the same joke over and over and over and over…
I had a dream that I was fighting Jason Bourne, Will Hunting and Tom Ripley.
After months of therapy I’m finally battling my Damons.
Me: How do you like being an Uber driver.
Driver: I don’t work for Uber.
Me: So, I just willingly climbed into a windowless van, didn’t I?
ME: Im a secret agent
THEM: With like the FBI
ME: Idk its a secret
I’m sorry, I’m going to have to cancel, I’m completely snowed in
WORK FROM HOME TIPS:
Have a routine. Shower/dress like normal. Keep a dedicated workspace. Fill a briefcase with sausages & carry it at all times. Stick to usual work hours. NEVER let raccoons trick you into trusting them with the beefcase: they dont have your interests at heart
My neighbor’s smart refrigerator keeps trying to text me salami
I’d like to learn a second language. I’ve narrowed it down to either Spanish or Canadian.
You can’t get in trouble for leaving work early if you disable the security cameras and crawl out the air-conditioning duct.
Yelp Review: Babies
Cute at first, but then screamy like angry pterodactyls. There is literally poop everywhere. Would not recommend.
I have two sisters. One sent me a package with tinsel filler and a glitter card. Now I have one sister.
Never feel like you’re too small to make a difference. After all, a tiny raisin has the ability to RUIN EVERYTHING ITS BAKED IN.
My boss said he likes how I remain so calm under pressure. Can’t tell him it’s because I don’t give a shit
I knew a guy who came so fast it traveled through time, like he’d squeeze one boob and the jizz splattered my mom in 1955
Woody: lol u guys! u guys. come hear this shit
Buzz:
Woody: say it again
Buzz: [sighs] to infinity and beyond
Mr. Potatohead: lmao “AnD bEyOnD” does he not understand what infinity means
When the moon hits your eye like 3.14 Pi
That’s the ratio of its circumference to its diameter
I’m teaching 7 it’s ok for a man to cry, & it’s also ok for a man to jump on a table, scream and throw coins at a spider.
“Hi, how much for a slice of pizza?”
A slice is $2.50, and second slice only $1.
“I’d like 3 second slices please”
when the news anchor says “if you know anything about the crime please contact police”
dont call the police and re-tell the news story