CHARLIE BROWN: happy thanksgiving!
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I cannot believe you said that that’s racist
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: he’s not my President
CHARLIE BROWN’S PARENTS: wah wah wah
CHARLIE BROWN: I am too your son
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inventor of the hot dog: [watching a hot dog eating contest] oh no. no that’s way too many
I get home and realize where my house stood a shark now sits dressed as a house with its mouth open
Shark:[nervously makes house noises]
The lead singer of Nickelback tried out for his school Christmas play, but he never made it as a wise man.
“This has got to be the most boring reality show concept of all ti… wait, did they say TORNADO?”
– Me, totally not getting The Weather Channel
Architect: so for the bathroom-
Contractor: I’m thinking the most smooth, slippery tile imaginable
Architect: hell ya we want that baby to be a death trap
imagine your credit card gets declined at the hospital and they put your appendix back in
mechanics be like
I really hate it when people stereotype the Irish. When I finish my Guinness, I’m punching you all in the face.
30% of parenting is just asking,
“Why is this wet?”
Boss: You’ve really raised the bar around here.
Me: Thank you.
Boss: The customers can’t reach their drinks you moron.
Make up for past mistakes by frequently repeating them in new and astonishing ways.
Morning.
Sometimes having a dog is like watching a toddler –
Hi girl! Why are you sticky? Actually never mind, I don’t wanna know *grabs shampoo*
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Stop saying “11/11/11” only happens once in a lifetime. EVERY date only happens once in a lifetime. That’s how time works.
I’d rather get killed by the Blair Witch on the first night than have to camp another night.
Luke: forgive me father for I have sinned
Darth Vader:
Rewatched Nightmare on Elm Street and was reminded that when I was 8 I was so terrified of Freddy, Jason and Chucky that at night I would pray to them (not God) that if they spared me I’d become their Renfield and offered up my mean bus driver in exchange. We all did this, right?
Imagine being in the Trojan horse with the lads, pure darkness and giggling like hehehe
them: how are you
you: [desperately aware that herds are necessary for survival] normal
If you are in a relationship and one of you has the better credit score. That is why they call it a significant other
(Sign-if-I-can’t )
Have kids so you can hear them say “why do I have to do everything around here?” when you ask them to feed the dog.
People who can get up to pee in the middle of the night and fall right back to sleep, explain yourselves.
Dr: How can I help you?
Me: Can you make me look like this?
Dr: Ma’am, that’s a picture of Hello Kitty.
I would love my job so much more if I didn’t have to hide my flask.
The problem of guns in schools would be eliminated if society finally had the courage to outlaw schools.
Council: We’ll pay you 30 pieces of silver.
Judas: Never. He’s my friend.
Council: …and an iPad.
Judas: I hate that guy.
Looking for my glasses that my 5yo hid, but not having much success because I CAN’T FIND MY GLASSES.
Christina Aguilera: *uses elaborate hand gestures while singing*
Me: *uses same gestures while eating a calzone*
Haha my cousin’s safeword is “chalice.” (We don’t have sex; I saw it cuz I hacked his email to get his salmon casserole recipe)