[Charlie Brown running up and just booting Hey Arnold in the head]
You Might Also Like
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
Me: What are you doing in your pajamas still? 3 year old: Eating frosting. Me: Fair enough.
How we’re different…
You threw a penny in the well & wished for a pony.
I threw a penny in the well & wished for that pony to kick you.
Why do birds suddenly appear anytime you are near?
Him: *hiding bread crumbs in his pockets*
My mind’s telling me “No!” But my body, my body’s telling me “There’s that chicken salad in the fridge.”
In Russia, Vladimir Putin has said that the killers of Nemtsov “will be ruthlessly hunted down.”
He added, “It’s cheaper than paying them”
My safe word is now just a dry cough.
Valentine’s Day tip for the men:
If you made dinner reservations call the restaurant and tell the host there’s an extra $20 for the bartenders if they card your wife.
You’re welcome
Lavender is my latest aromatherapy love, but it’ll be awhile before anything makes me forget about rubber cement.
I spilled beer on a guy. He said “You wanna dance?” I said “Can’t, I don’t have my dancing shoes on.” He was so disappointed, he beat me up.
Natalie Imbruglia: I thought I saw a man brought to life. He was warm, he came around like he was dignified
Him:
I’ve had 3 new bosses at work in the last 6 months.
I wonder when they’re going to bring me in for questioning.
I should move the bodies.
Haha no way, you’re an 1/16th Polish AND a 1/3rd Irish???
Damn I must be part goldfish bc I don’t remember asking 🤷♂️🤷♂️🤷♂️
I Photoshop paddington into a movie or TV show until I forget: Day 520
I pooped in 8 stores today.
New record.
2 of them had restrooms.
KILLER: I’M GONNA CATCH YOU
ME: YOU’LL NEVER CA- [stops running to pet a dog]
Everybody knows cattorneys study four years at a meowniversity and three in claw school
went fishing caught a bass
A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.
[first day as producer]
superstar rapper: THAT’S THE 87TH TIME YOU’VE STOPPED ME
me: *tapping swear jar with pencil*
ME: I’m afraid I don’t have enough to make rent. Maybe there’s some *bites my bottom lip seductively*…. other sort of arrangement we can come up with.
FRIEND: Dude, this is why no one likes playing Monopoly with you.
Dr. House would’ve solved this covid shit in 20 minutes flat.
“If you could be anyone, living or dead, who…”
Me – “dead”
Social Media and Real life
I love when the GrubHub delivery drivers try to look sexy in their profile pics… Like, I don’t know what you think is going to happen, but I’ll be honest, I want my pizza far more than I’ll ever want you.
I could never be a therapist because I can’t hear a single piece of gossip without asking for a picture of the person
Me: Haha I just never know what to do with my hands while getting my picture taken.
Cop taking my mugshot: Just hold still.
I mean, technically aren’t we all “foodies”? I’ve never met anyone who’s like “nothing for me waiter, I’ll just photosynthesize”.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
Found $12 bucks today!
Well, it was in my daughters purse, but I figure she owes me at least $50,000 by now.