Charlie: I can’t believe you’re giving me the whole chocolate factory
Wonka: Yup, all of it. Starting with these four law suits
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[first date]
*emptying jar of coins into coinstar* “almost done”
so where are we going after this?
“what”
You look like the type of guy to put the “lotion” in “relotionship”.
You also look like a bad speller.
I’d like to apologize to the lady on the bus. I assumed you wanted your hair held back while you ate your banana.
My teen son told me that he plans on talking like Chewbacca if a teacher calls on him today, so I guess I better start practicing my Wookiee for that parent teacher phone call later today.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth.
Then it just becomes a soap opera.
My kid: Hurts his eye putting on safety goggles
Alanis Morisette: *deep breath*
[Dragging 3 whining kids through mall] No thank you, mall kiosk employee, I’m not interested in trying “something amazing for my hair.”
Me: And thus concludes homeschool. I’ve literally imparted all of my knowledge to you.
Kid: It’s been an hour.
Me: You’re free to go.
Kid: Like, go play?
Me: Like, move out
Kid: I’m 7.
Me: And what a head start on life you’ll have.
I don’t need extravagant gifts for Valentine’s Day.
The only gift I need is for someone to come over & do my laundry.
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
I am glad that things are opening up again. Now when I get told to go play in traffic, there actually is traffic.
8yo nephew: so how does it feel when you’re drunk?
Me: Oh it’s awful! You get dizzy and your head spins so fast from the slap you might get if you touch my booze.
1. Rage against the machine.
2. Check to make sure machine is plugged in.
3. Apologize to the toaster for the misunderstanding.
any boring old meeting can become a seance if everyone works together
THERAPIST: you’re running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
ME: uh—failure
Don’t worry, millennials, every time you spell it “tho,” I say “ugh,” so it ends up being spelled right.
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
Whoever coined the term “gross profit” wasn’t getting paid for their job.
i see ur bf carved his favorite sports team’s logo into his pumpkin instead of u. nice to see where his priorities lie. lmk if u wanna talk about it. i’d be upset
pirate captain: did you finish burying the treasure chest
me: yes, and i marked it on the map with an x
pirate captain: there’s like 20 x’s on here
me: that’s in case the map falls into the wrong hands
texting every hot girl in my phone “don’t mention it whatever you need always” and then “oh fuck sorry that was for my mom”
[runs in out of breath, hands on my knees]
*you’re
I’m on chapter two of the dictionary and this thing is just so disconnected. Like, what happened to the aardvark from the beginning?
me: I put a siren on your car
cop: what’s that soun–
*an ancient greek ship bursts through the wall*
It’s so annoying when they tell you to reset the modem like, do you think I would call you if I knew which one was the modem?
Nothing confuses me more than a straight up street thug with braces.
Make fun of Kim Kardashian’s name choice for North West if you want, but that baby is going straight up. And slightly to the left.
Speaker: Welcome to the First International Flat Earth Conference, where researchers have gathered from all round the world
Audience: *booing and throwing tomato slices*
McDonald’s has spoiled all of us with their super-charged carbonated soda. I don’t want just any Sprite. I want the Sprite that will make me see God.
Cool puppy. What’s his name?
“Patches”
Aww, that’s a cute name. Because he has those spots?
“Nah…it’s cause he’s trying to quit smoking”