*40’s after sex*
Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’
Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.
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LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
this is why Twitter was created
Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
*starts scraping off her stickers*
GENIE: you have 3 wishes
ME: i wish for one more wish
G: um…ok…your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes
M: aweso- wait, what
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.