@JennyJohnsonHi5

Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

You Might Also Like

@mack44_d

*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’

@TheToddWilliams

[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.

@andylassner

Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle

@chimneyspotter

DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]

@DontTouchMyWine

Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*

@hippieswordfish

GENIE: you have 3 wishes
ME: i wish for one more wish
G: um…ok…your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes
M: aweso- wait, what

@ItsMeAshleyWee

If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.

@illTortuga

From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.