Charlie Sheen’s herpes have herpes and those herpes have gonorrhea and that gonorrhea had an abortion in high school.

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*40’s after sex*

Her: ‘That was amazing. Let’s do it again.’

Me: ‘Like…today?’


[murder trial]

LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?

COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.


Never trust anyone who says you need to come out of your shell because let’s start with the fact that they think you’re a turtle


DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]


Whoa. Wait a minute.

So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?

Damn it!

*starts scraping off her stickers*


GENIE: you have 3 wishes
ME: i wish for one more wish
G: um…ok…your wish is granted. you now have 3 wishes
M: aweso- wait, what


If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.


From now on, when you see the word “minimum”, good luck trying to not imagine a tiny British mother.