Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since
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Using “whom” incorrectly at a party I wasn’t invited to
My body is a “wonder what happened” land
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
I’m convinced that anytime an employee at a shoe store goes into the back room looking for your size they enter Narnia, romp around for a few hours forgetting about work, and then come back and just tell you no they don’t have your size.
My lasso of truth is just an eel I point aggressively at the people I’m questioning. We have a 100% success rate.
[Cat birthday party]
*Cat opens gift from her husband*
“It’s…an empty box.”
*silence*
“Oh honey, I love it!”
Most of parenting after your kids get cell phones is resisting the urge to text them things like “Where did you put my pen?? I saw you using it! Where is it?!!!” while they’re at school
I don’t wanna last longer in bed, I got post coital jokes.
My kids always seem to underestimate the length of my freakishly long arms when they start a fight while I’m driving.
I snuck into a field to get milk straight from the source. I had no idea it took so long to milk a cow. Maybe because it only had one udder.
My son had an idea for the “Mom Dash App” where I would deliver food to his room and I told him that I’d have to get a 20% tip, so he’s still getting his own food.
[BOOK CLUB]
ME: So last weeks assignment was Fight Club by Chuck Palahniuk. What did everyone think?
STEVE:
PAUL:
JANE:
SARAH:
MARK:
DAVE:
Named my hamster Spam so when he dies I can bury him in a little tin coffin with his name on it.
if you think the last 12 months dragged on, just think how your dog feels. he’s probably sick of having you home for the 7 years
911: what’s your emergency
me: i need an ambulance at the public pool, jesus tried to do a cannonball
911: again?
me: he won’t listen to us
Told my son I needed some non talking time while I drank my coffee so instead he sat next to me and hummed the godzilla theme.
My wife doesn’t have a Honey-Do list. She has a Cantaloupe list, which has all the girls I’m not allowed to run away with
Let’s just wait until Kevin McCallister is like 80 and make Nursing Home Alone
gryffindor: i only want the bravest
slytherin: i only want the most cunning
ravenclaw: i only want the smartest
hufflepuff: WOW you guys are pretentious
I didn’t want to use the word “Orwellian” in a tweet until I was confident that I could use it properly, so here goes: Orwellian would be a cool name for a horse.
it took three months to convince my barber to perform a root canal
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Where’s the hole?
*feels for it*
*tries to stick it in*
*misses*
Damn it! Wrong hole.
*fingers it*
*slides it in*– Me, plugging in my charger in the dark.
europeans read a lot because their television shows suck
me: this meeting couldve been an email
me when I get an email: I’m not reading that
Oh look the neighbors have a Halloween inflatable
-releases the cats
I like it when the clocks change because it’s a law that feels like a prank. The government’s going to change the time while you’re asleep. Next month they’re going to unscrew your salt shaker while you’re at work.
My sex drive is disrespectfully high for someone that gets winded walking up stairs
“A car I’ve never seen before just parked outside. We’re gonna die CAN YOU HEAR ME Jesus Christ you’re not listening to me I said…”
– Dogs
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.