Charlotte’s Web is the book that inspired a generation of vegetarians. It’s true. I read it when I was 7 & I haven’t eaten a spider since

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ME: I’ll take that angry cantaloupe.
FRUIT STALL VENDOR: You mean the pineapple?


Brother: *calls* Can you pick me up at the airport tomorrow?

Me: Sure. Can’t wait to see you.

Him: I land at 5 AM.

Me: I have no brother.


When some kids on the street are jumping rope and ask you, a well coordinated adult in your own mind, to jump in, don’t do it.

I repeat, don’t do it.


[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.


Me: [giving eulogy] He was a good man. He was a kind man. He was born to the blade, and merciless. He had a secret robot arm that shot out the side of his head. He was nine inches tall and invisible on Tuesdays. He wanted you to know the truth let go of me they need to hear this


My fortune cookie:

“Like a hair on a bar of soap, you’re likely harmless, but regarded as disgusting and nobody likes you…”


i look like i’m trying to get water out of my ears when i dance


Hey Starbucks. If you gotta name your drinks with stupid language, don’t roll your eyes when I order a gitchy gitchy yaya mocha choca latte.


*Looking at new prescription from Doctor*

Me: Take on an empty stomach? Guess I’m never taking these pills.


Is there an easy way to leave a dance circle or do I have to die here?