WAITER: How is everything?
ME: Soul crushing and void of meaning
W: I meant your meal
M: Soul crushing, void of meaning, and needs salt
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Boss: you’re late
Me: *grabs his coffee* thanks, though it’s pronounced ‘latte’
you know being royal isn’t a real job cuz 4 people can just stop working and nothing happens. if 4 people stopped working at the mcdonald’s drive thru that shit would go up in flames
If you glue a dead wasp to your palm, you can smack your boss on the back of the head as hard as you want and act like you saved him.
I think between the two of them, Kim & Kanye had enough money for a box of condoms.
The IRS needs special envelopes for when you’re not in trouble
[comes home from store]
Wife: [shaking her head] Let me guess… earmuffs were on sale?
Me: [wearing 17 pairs of earmuffs] WHAT?
Her: I heard your sister went to the US.
Me: Yeah she did.
Her: Which state?
Me: Alaska.
Her: Cool, when she tells you, tell me.
Son: Who do you love more, me or my brother?
Me: Impossible for me to answer. That’s like me asking who you love more, me or your –
Son: Mom!
[office]
Me: Happy Black Friday!
Latisha: …
Me: I made a cake!
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: …
Latisha: …
Me: It’s chocolate.
[Me as a Sunday school teacher]
…then on the third day Odin went to Valhalla so that warriors who died in battle would have eternal life.
I hated spiders even before my girlfriend left me for one.
When I talk about “my old man” I’m referring to my 19yo son who likes to wake up early, make coffee, check the news and comment “we’ve really needed this rain” while wearing his robe.
ladies say I’m a hamster in the sheets because I squeal when I’m uncomfortable and I leave small pellets in the bed
“Installing this app on a smartphone or tablet will mean everyone in the house can easily adjust the thermostat.”
Dads in unison: “Nooooo!”
Husband: I’m stopping for a burger. Do you want anything?
Me: No, I’m good.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Ok, just a small order of fries…
and if you can a coke…
and a cheeseburger…
Can you also swing by Taco Bell?
Get your kids Christmas pajamas so they’ll have something comfortable to fight in.
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
With just a few days until Christmas Amazon trucks should be treated like emergency vehicles. If you see them coming with their sirens on you best pull over and let them pass. People are getting worried about their packages, ya’ll.
HER: I’m leaving you
ME: Is it because I’m too literal?
HER: no it’s just we’re not working out
ME: *buys both of us a gym membership*
My greatest wish is for every guy who has ever rejected me to end up with a girl who asks tons of questions during a movie.
friend: got any advice for a struggling actor?
me: maybe audition for roles that involve being tied up
Mars rover quietly killing whatever life it finds.
I went to the Army Surplus store and they didn’t have a single extra soldier for sale. Come on. False advertising much? Old Navy can take a flying leap too.
what pushes u to watch 19 seasons of mfs in a hospital??
smokey robinson: tears of a clown
witch: where did you get this recipe
Was invited into a group DM called procrastinators, it’s been two weeks I’m still waiting to be added….
*my kind of people
one time my grandma used an american express traveller’s check to buy a whole frozen horse
I msgd him and he hasn’t msgd back. He was obviously so excited I msgd that he fainted.
Public restrooms are weird. The guy in the stall next to me has four feet and is wearing heels on one pair.
*I will not be awkward*
*I will not be awkward*Uber Eats delivery guy: Enjoy your dinner!
Me: Thanks, you too