Our family summer boat trips haven’t been the same since grandad died & demanded we bury him at sea. In the boat.
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If I have a son, he’s going to be named Alvin Simon Theodore, and it’ll be funny as hell whenever anyone gets mad and yells his full name.
[Swedish massage]
masseuse: *smashes meatballs into my back*
She didn’t understand so I took her hands & looked in her eyes & said “I know this is a Starbucks but I just want plain black coffee idiot.”
I’m the guy that lures fragile old ladies into my windowless van at night with Werthers Originals.Then safley escort them to the bingo hall.
Me: I did pretty well. I left with four kids, and I came back with four kids.
Wife: The same four kids?
Me: I’ll be right back.
Directions: Allow food to sit and cool for five minutes before eating.
Me: No.
😩😩😩
Monday
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
If you visit Montreal, you gotta check out residential homes. That’s where all the locals go
Dating tip:
Girls love mysterious guys. For example, tell her “Im a lawyer.Or AM I?” then hum the Twilight Zone theme and turn into an eagle
“Son, we have to talk.”
“What is it, Dad?”
“You were adopted.”
“Oh my god… Really?!?”
“Yup. Get ready. They’re picking you up in an hour.”
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
I didn’t hit him with my car…
I massaged him with my wheels.
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
“Press the cube root of the 11th digit of pi divided by .5 and doubled if you’d like to speak with a customer service representative.”
It’s almost that time of night where I drunk text my ex “I have to tell you something” then shut my phone off.
Some think kids are selfish, but when 8 sees I’m carrying too much stuff at once, he comes over and gives me a lengthy explanation as to why Black Panther could beat Spider-Man.
Caller: my dog ate chocolate! my girlfriend’s gonna kill me! I’m a dead man, a dead man!
911: calm down, sir. let’s focus on the dog
Caller: oh he’s fine.
911: but you said…
Caller: chocolate was my girlfriend’s cat
What kind of monster makes ultrathin cheese slices?
Never know who you’ll run into at the gas station!
WAITER: Ready to order?
GIANT WORM IN TRENCHCOAT: Bring me dirt from the grave!
W: We cannot
GWIT: I HUNGER FOR CORPSE EARTH
W: Again no
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
To bye at an auction you should bid adieu
My parents were great parents. They’ve always treated me and my brother, Douchenozzle McDisappointment, the exact same.
[God making a planet for the first time and just constantly screwing things up]
Ugh, first world problems.
Thanks for sending me all 67 of your kid’s Halloween photos. I’ll cherish them for …*DELETE*
Kid 1: *super tired, falls asleep early*
Me: *gets hopes up for easy bedtime*
Kid 2: *hold my espresso*
dentists and waitstaff go to the same class called ‘When to Ask Questions’