@TheRolo

[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor*

*Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*

*Makes clean getaway*

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@TheRolo

*UFO attacks*
Govt: It’s a weather balloon.

*UFO destroys Eiffel Tower*
Govt: Weather balloon.

*UFO conquers Earth*
Govt: Weather balloon.

@rorynotroy

the early bird gets the worm but so does the bird that gets outta bed around 1pm because there are plenty of worms out there believe me

@Melecevida

As a child I had the impression that I would be offered free drugs by strangers much more frequently than the 0 times it’s happened.

@jbillinson

Biden: They don’t really think I’d say this stuff, right?
Obama: Come on Joe, you’ve said worse
Biden: HE’S NOT MY PRESIDENT BARACK. YOU ARE

@Proxic0n

Me: I’m a haredresser

Person: oh cool what’s it like cutting hair?

Me: *dressing a bunny in a tuxedo* doing what?

@Sassafrantz

[takes a sip at wine tasting]

Ah yes, this is nice. You can really taste the wet dog and Code Red Mountain Dew.

@yonewt

my effort to help others during the pandemic is replying “I’m having the same issue” to every question in Apple Community

@5ive_zw

sibling relationships are wierd.i can give you my kidney but im not getting you a glass of water.