[Chased by cops on foot]
*Turns corner and lays DVD of The Notebook on floor**Cops get lost in Ryan Gosling’s eyes*
*Makes clean getaway*
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chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
I haven’t filled up the salt and pepper shakers on the table for a year and I still don’t think my family has noticed nothing is coming out of them.
Wife: He misunderstands everything.
Counsellor (to me): What does she mean?
Me: It’s a feminine pronoun.
Me: just running to the store, who cares what I’m wearing
Also me: runs into everybody I know
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
[blood starts oozing from the ceiling] Oh my god no someone left the blood tap on
Kim Jong Un has upgraded himself from “Leader of North Korea” to “Supreme Leader of North Korea” by adding sour cream and extra cheese.
“You are what you eat.”
I’m about 90% burrito.
What are guys wearing their sunglasses on the back of their heads hiding from us?
[Home Depot staff meeting]
BOSS: Someone has been breaking all the wood. Any idea who it is?
ME: [tightening my green karate belt] Probably someone pretty strong.
I’m pleased to announce that I will continue using the word Kafkaesque to describe things, and I am proud of my commitment to never learn what it means.
Optimism [op-tuh-miz-uh m] noun
Brushing your teeth before bed, knowing damn well you have a 1/2 sleeve of Thin Mints on your nightstand.
I know it sounds mean but when I’m mad at my wife and want to lash out, I’ll put a whisk in the spatula drawer when I’m emptying the dishwasher.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
Everyone says to marry your best friend but her husband gets all pissed off whenever I suggest it.
My grandfather was a boxer in the British Army.
Which was completely unfair because the enemy had rifles.
Dated this guy who took me to his parents Christmas party. They put out a punch bowl and I threw my date’s and his dad’s car keys in it
If you don’t have your Florida ID with you on voting day, you can always show them a photo of yourself wearing a tank top to a funeral.
me: i’m just gonna switch the big light on for 1 minu-
british gas:
holiday horror movie idea: you have 10 days to complete a completely reasonable task that takes 20 minutes to do
Facial recognition technology, but for me when I’m talking to people I’ve apparently met before.
Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?
Imagine “are you ready for some football?” sung to the tune of “Do You Want To Build A Snowman?” Yes I’m trying to ruin this for everyone.
I hate crumbs, so I eat my snacks in bed on his side.
Flight attendant: Is there a doctor on this flight?
Dad: *nudging me* that should’ve been you
Me: Not now Dad
Dad: Not asking for a YouTuber to help, are they?
Me: Dad, there’s a medical emergency happening right now
Dad: Go and see if “what up guys” helps
Therapist: would you say you’re making time for self-care as a stay at home mom?
Me: yesterday I didn’t realize my pants were on inside out until lunchtime.
A good man is hard to find, but a babysitter for Friday night is harder.
Who called the feminine product brand “Always” instead of “Periodically”?
[sex]
GF: u bring protection?
ME: ya [i show a gun]
GF: not what I meant
ME: I kno, I have a fox guarding us. The gun is for if it wigs out
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.