@weinerdog4life

*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

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@Shock_Monster

Nurse: It’s just a little prick..

Me: That’s what my gf said!

N: Ha

M: Haha

N: HAHA

M: HAHAHA!

N: You don’t have a gf, do you?

M: No.

@LoveNLunchmeat

PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.

@Home_Halfway

BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”

ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion

@WilliamRodgers

*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce

-NEVER eats Salad again!

*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning

-NEVER reads again!

@KenJennings

You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”

@brianbowman73

I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.

I should’ve just stayed in the car.

@kelkulus

For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.

@beisswrandon

The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.

@OakHill_

Elf on the Shelf Log:

Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.

Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.

Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.

Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.

Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.