*chases cat around the house with a lint roller

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The rush I get from completing a crossword puzzle leads me to believe that trying hard drugs would destroy my life within hours.


When one door closes, another one opens.
Other than that it’s a pretty good car.


[inventor of flame thrower] i’m probably not a psychopath for making this, right?


[traffic stop]

Officer: Ma’am, why didn’t you pull over as soon as I flashed my lights?

Me: Oh, I can’t see a thing without my glasses.


Accidentally pressed 2 for Spanish and Donald Trump’s security team came out of nowhere to deport me.


An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.


Robin Thicke can’t even name a second Robin Thicke song


I’m sorry, I don’t have the energy to walk a mile in your shoes. I’m just going to go ahead & judge you.


“To prove how much I love you I’m going to eat this entire pizza.”

That’s not what I –

“Please stop. Let me do this.”


I used to give my co-workers nicknames based on their most dominant features, like ‘Loves Abortions Brenda’ or ‘Eats Her Feelings Julie’.