Nurse: It’s just a little prick..
Me: That’s what my gf said!
N: You don’t have a gf, do you?
*chases cat around the house with a lint roller
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PMS is just an excuse women use to eat all the good snacks & occasionally when committing murder.
BARISTA: I have a latte ready for “Give me all your money?”
ROBBER: Oh goodness, this is so embarrassing, I see there’s been some confusion
*Reads about a Salmonella outbreak on lettuce
-NEVER eats Salad again!
*Reads about the dangers of Alcohol poisoning
-NEVER reads again!
You guys, The Hobbit is a straight-up ripoff of my unreleased 3-hour experimental film “Helicopter Shots of People Walking.”
I decided to jog in place at a stoplight and got some really strange looks.
I should’ve just stayed in the car.
For Earth Day, turn on your air conditioner and open your doors and windows. If we all work together, we can totally cool this planet.
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Story of my life.
Elf on the Shelf Log:
Day 1: I hung him from a lamp, oh the hilarity.
Day 6: I think he IS moving at night.
Day 9: He’s in my liquor again.
Day 12: Wife and kids moved out, Jingles thinks it’s for the best.
Day 21: *house burns, sirens wail in the distance.