[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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Somebody spotted a coyote in my neighborhood a few days ago. But it’s cool, cause I just started carrying an anvil around everywhere I go.
Do you ever eat a mint and then take a sip of cold water and it hurts your teeth and then all your teeth fall out and they form a pentagram on the floor and the lights shut off and your ears start ringing and the ringing turns into an explosive roar
School taught me fractions like if you’re on your third fifth of whiskey you haven’t even had a full whiskey yet
If I was a bus driver and someone came driving like a manic up to my moving bus screaming “bomb” I’d probably hit the brakes and explode.
4-year-old: Why do robbers steal money?
Me: So they can buy stuff.
4: Why don’t they just steal the stuff?
She’s a criminal mastermind.
Me: ‘I’d like to cancel my gym membership.’
Clerk: ‘It doesn’t look like you even have one.’
Me: ‘I’m trying to be more proactive.’
A young musician left his
priceless Stradivarius violin
on a train in Germany.But it was returned…
no strings attached.Wait…what ?
The purpose of Terrorism is to scare and make people feel unsafe, which is something it has in common with Cable News.
me: aren’t you going to ask if i’m sexually active
doctor: i don’t really need to
me: wait why
doctor:
me:
doctor: look i heard you say ‘okie dokie’ to the receptionist i already know you aren’t
*neighbors putting mountain bikes on the car*
you guys headed down to the pawnshop?
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Cop: Have you been drinking or are you on any drugs?
Me: Whoa, one question at a time, dude.
I don’t mean to brag, but i’m an amazing sport coach. I can make ppl run very fast.
*From me
Me: Define Illegal
Cop: You’re drunk, riding a horse, shooting a gun and yelling ‘For Narnia’
Me: I want my lawyer.
Hard to believe the Cubs last won the World Series 108 years ago. Most of them don’t look a day over 30.
If your therapist thinks your alien abduction stories make you sound delusional, just wait till they hear about your TC.
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
cant believe language was invented. like everyone was chill and quiet and then one day someone just started saying some shit
Praying Mantis: *attends church, devours husband*
Agnostic Mantis: *stares suspiciously up at the sky, devours husband*
I only fight in alleys so I can put them in a dumpster after I win
Boss: I’m sorry Howard but we are going to have to let you go.
Howard: What? Why? Oh, is this because I was late? I called you and told that I got a flat tire on the way to work, I even texted you a picture.
Boss: No Howard, it’s because you stabbed Kevin in the parking lot.
Devil worshipper leader: “Due to a typo we have summoned the wrong demon.”
Stan: “Hey there.”
Mom: Help! Is anyone here a doctor?
Vet: I treat horses but maybe i can help
M: My son broke his leg!
V: Ok hang on. My rifle’s in the truck
I would have become a Hare Krishna
if only I had the chants.
[at my comedy central roast after every joke] That’s not true
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
My wife sighed from the other room, which can mean one of 2,639 things.
What’s the etiquette for showing up to a party you weren’t invited to? Should I bring dip or??
People just said “go to the gym” they never mentioned that you have to actually do things when you get there I’ve been doing this so wrong.
An octopus is very cool because if Snow White and the Seven Dwarves were drowning, it would have enough tentacles to save all of them.