We're redesigning Funny Tweeter. Your feedback is always welcome. Talk to us at @funTweeters
@ArfMeasures: [Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
@Sassafrantz: Out of all the children's stories, Goldilocks is the most ridiculous. How's someone just gonna fall asleep while committing a felony? smh
@ElKnuckelhombre: Everybody's talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn't even notice him. Weird.
@mlinhart: LIFE HACK:
If ur phone gets wet, try putting it in a bag of dry rice. At night, rice will attract Asians who will fix ur electronics for you
INTERVIEWER: We're looking for a real cat person.
ME: *slowly pushes paperwork off desk*
INTERVIEWER: holy shit
@LittleMissAngr1: Cop: Ma'am, do you know how fast you were going?
Me: *pointing to my friend* She’s in labour, we need to get to the hospital!
Cop: OMG! Would you like a police escort?
Me: Well, if they make it a quickie and keep the uniform on.