[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
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Podcast? Back in my day you got a newspaper. To subscribe, you’d call them up. “25 cents a day for your filthy rag, full of lies and comics, please. Every day. Throw it at my house as hard as you can in the middle of the night. When I’m done not reading it, I’ll wrap fish in it.”
My neighbor was complaining about my cat pooping in her flower bed but I didn’t have the heart to tell her it’s actually my kids.
*loses one contact on way to gym, gets there to find my membership has expired*
Me: [one eye blinking uncontrollably] I guess I’ll come back after I renew.
Manager: *winking back* This workout is on me.
Every tech nerd or security guy on night shift at a computer in 90s movies is eating pizza & wiping sauce from their mouth with their hand.
Tide Pods need a little seasoning?
Sprinkle some bath salts on top.
Based on their reaction, I must of nailed the nude pole dancing portion of my interview at the fire department today.
Whatd I do for Halloween, I hear you ask?
Cleaned off the porch & fed the birds.But like, scarily. Or whatever.
yea we make fun of the fact the business people in the jurassic park universe keep giving the green light to a theme park that kills like 75 people every couple of years just cause its profitable but damn if thats not the most realistic part lol
If hotels can skip the 13th floor why the hell can’t we skip Mondays?
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
He died doing what he loved: being alive
I’ve got good news and bad news. The good news is this tweet is almost over. The bad news is you read the whole thing.
I passed a library which is strange because I don’t remember eating any libraries.
PROSECUTOR: Well, if you and your bandmates truly AREN’T responsible for the arson – as you claim – then I’m sure you wouldn’t mind revealing to the jury just which parties, locations, or world events you think ARE responsible?
*Billy Joel takes a deep breath*
[filming lord of the rings: fellowship]
peter jackson: great scene
sean bean: thanks but it’s pronounced “shawn”
The only indoor security camera that I have is inside my fridge, I want to capture the face of whoever steals my cheesecake.
I have a crush on my chiropractor which makes perfect sense since I tend to fall for men who hurt me and then take my money.
Has there been a movie made about giant killer candy corn yet? If not, I feel like there needs to be.
If you love something, let it go. If it comes back to you you may be in love with a boomerang.
Me: I wish u’d bring back my 1st pet
Genie: No blood magic
Me: I wish politicians had to tell the truth
Genie: [sigh] what was ur pets name?
I don’t know about a butterfly affecting weather in China, but I do know that the violent draft of wind from my eyelids opening seems to wake both babies every morning
8: Miss will you watch this video I really love at lunch?
Me: absolutely tell me what it is –
8: and I think we’ll all be getting used to the swears in it
Me: honey, I’m not watching anything with swears in the school
8: please? There’s only like three or four!
In case you’re having a bad day…there’s this.
Me: I’d like to get this prescription filled
Pharmacist: This is a recipe for chicken marsala
Me: What time should I pick that up?
Me, responding to an urgent email on Monday morning that I definitely saw on Friday at 4 PM
Quinoa was invented by someone who really wanted to win at scrabble.
Date: what do iguanas eat?
Me: no idea, why?
Date: you’ve got 5 of them
Me: 2, those 3 are dead. I told you, I’ve no idea what they eat
I just said “love you” to my boss when I put the phone down. Who’s got a spare room I can live out of?
*Son storms in
‘DAD! Teacher told me that hibernation is NOT a country of stoner bears and that you’re to stop helping me with my homework’