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@ArfMeasures: [Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
@daddydoubts: Wife: Do you think something is wrong with our toddler?
Me: Yeah but to be fair I think something is wrong with EVERY toddler.
@mommameetsworld: Hello, I’ve finished my free trial of adulting and I’m no longer interested. I’d like to cancel my subscription. Is there a manager I can speak to?
@juliareinstein: pretty messed up how “what are you weaknesses” is an acceptable question in job interviews but not on first dates
@The_JRM: The reason my daughter wasn't nominated for an Oscar is because the Academy hasn't seen my 7yo trying to get out of going to school.
@daplusk: The most uncomfortable part of seeing your work colleague crying at their desk is asking them if it's because they're named Ralph