[Chasing a fox on my bike]
ME: How is he reaching the pedals?!
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Date: I’m looking for security
Me: I double knot my shoelaces
Date: but also excitement
Me: together
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
I just laid on my cat’s keyboard while he was working on a last minute PowerPoint presentation.
Her: I really like old fashioned men.
Me (trying to impress): I have polio.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
friend: edible kick in?
me [washing my hands]: not yet
friend [turns on faucet]: you sure?
“WATERMELON” HAS 4 SYLLABLES. “ILLUMINATI” HAS 5 SYLLABLES. THAT’S PRETTY CLOSE. WATERMELON IS ILLUMINATI.
started wrapping my pills in cheese
My Uber driver was acting shady and I told him I’m not in the mood to kidnapped he said okay 😭😭😭
Just watched a mosquito suck my blood then throw up.
Dear Middle School,
How about a separate science fair for kids who did their own projects?
Sincerely,
Parent Who Can’t Build A Robot
Adulthood – Pros: you can eat ice cream in bed. Cons: this will somehow make you sadder.
Relationship status: Invented an imaginary GF, but she just wanted to be ‘friends’ and slept with my dad. Typical.
ME: (before I bought a fanny pack) I wish I had something to carry this baby
ME: (after I bought a fanny pack) the baby doesn’t fit in here
if you jumped out of a plane would you rather have a parachute or the knowledge of how to make a parachute? most people would say parachute. and that’s why most people never start a successful business
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
When my ex worked out of town, he would take my vibrators away from me. Said I was cheating on him w/them. He shoulda taken his brother too.
Me, to a perfectly white puppy: please try to stay clean
Him, 5 min later, having tried his best:
ME{from upstairs}: Honey, I’m gonna take a Bublé bath
WIFE: You mean bubble bath, dear
ME: Right
MICHAEL BUBLÉ: Are you getting in or what?
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
It should cost $87 to leave someone a voicemail.
when you kill a mosquito someone else’s blood is probably on your hands.
Every so often my wife sends me these cute texts like “Heyyy” and “Come upstairs, your kids clogged their toilet”.
waiter: how do you want your eggs?
me: yellow
sam: i’m telling you
That awkward moment when twins realize that one of them was not planned
listening to jazz: do any of them know what the other ones are playing
Tonight a woman showed me a picture of her 6’2, muscled up, super hot 21 year old son, and I calmly said, “What a handsome young man,” instead of “Holy shit,” even though I’d had 3 Cosmopolitans, if anyone is looking to hire a diplomat.
*seductively takes off winter coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
*seductively takes off another coat*
Husband: Okay, you’ve made your point. I’ll turn up the thermostat.
Me: My world is suddenly reduced to a few hundred square feet of space.
Hamster: Poor baby.
“Children can be very cruel,” I reassure my 6 year-old. “But sometimes it seems like you aren’t even trying.”