@gylertagan

[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

You Might Also Like

@robdelaney

Enrages me when I see guys using cute dogs to pick up chicks. It’s like, why did I have kids.

@CruelMeiga

If I was Steve Jobs I would engrave on my tombstone:

iDied.

@ozzyunc

If you eat it & you die it’s poisonous. If it bites you & you die it’s venomous or a bear.

@NewDadNotes

God: you’re a dog.

Dog: what does that mean?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: what did you say?

God: it means you’re a good boy.

Dog: one more time my ears aren’t the best.

God: you have perfect hearing.

Dog:

God:

Dog:

God: you’re a good boy.

Dog: [tail wag] : )

@QwertyJones3

Why did they call it “All Dogs Go To Heaven” and not “Hell Hath No Furry”?

@jpbrammer

I respect kiwis because they looked around, saw there weren’t any mice on their island, and said “fine I’ll do it”

@lisaxy424

1997 middle school me learning about Rome: But how could such a developed and rich society collapse so suddenly?

2017 me: oh

@IamEveryDayPpl

Throw away an avocado skin?
In this economy?

*makes avocado skin suits.
*sells them on Etsy.

@Tmoney68

BREAKING: California becomes first state to ban plastic bags.

People who love picking up dog shit with their bare hands rejoice.

@64spoons

Got CPR and CCR confused. Ended up playing “Fortunate Son” on my boombox while watching a man die.