[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

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me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first


In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.


One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”


Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?


John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit


Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.


Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.


“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir