I’m 30 but I still feel like I’m 20
Until I hang out with 20 year olds
Then I’m like no, never mind, I’m 30
[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!
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ME: Who’s my little sex kitten?
HER: *slowly pushes me off bed*
ME: [from floor] That’s right baby.
Yes, I’m English.
No, I can’t speak British to you.
No, I don’t know the Queen.
No, I don’t want a spot of tea.
Interviewer: Your resume says that you’re good at multitasking
[me while painting nails]: Obvi
Interviewer: Please stop touching my nails
16 and pregnant should be followed by 26 and sucking c**k for crack.
Cop: I’ll ask you one last time did you or did you not see the stop sign back there?
Ace of Base: *starts sweating*
Another day, another police escort from an all you can eat buffet.
A reality show, where you spy on your suspected cheating significant other, called Baewatch.
DR: You get a burning sensation when you pee?
ME: Especially when it gets in my eyes
DR: That’s not right
ME: I know that’s why I’m here
prosecutor: why did you murder that man
me: i thought he was cake
prosecutor: you “thought” he was cake?
me: i hoped he was cake