@gylertagan

[Chasing a man out of the bathroom with a pube] Sir you dropped this!

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@FredTaming

me: who wants to play two truths and a lie

guy who named the red delicious apple: me first

@mantej

In an alternate universe somewhere, all the ducks are making white girl faces.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

One day the mailman is going to murder my whole family and my dog will be like “Ha. Who needs to quit yapping and go lay down now?”

@JohnLyonTweets

Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.

Me: So you have it too?

@chrissyteigen

John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit

@KateWhineHall

Remember back when we knew the 7- or 10-digit phone numbers for ALL our friends and family. Now the only phone number I know is 911.

@toomanycommas3

Married men on Twitter: I love my wife, but she has no sex drive.

Married women on Twitter: I have a huge sex drive, just don’t tell my husband.

@OtherDanOBrien

“HELP! Frankenstein’s attacking me!”

911: Frankenstein? Or Frankenstein’s *monster*?

“AAAH he ripped my arm off”

911: Which one did, sir