I’d get in the back of their van if they told me they had a phone charger in it.
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[my kid, literally every school morning]
“I hate mornings. I’m not getting up”[1st day of summer vacation]
“dad, can we watch the sunrise”
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
Body language tells us a lot about people. For example, my neighbor really doesn’t like to be held underwater for more than 2 minutes.
Murphy’s Law – If it can go wrong, it will go wrong. Cole’s Law – shredded cabbage in mayo
He was rare. Like my car without any warning lights on
pantsless bc the day after international women’s day means women are half off
I didn’t want to overwhelm my kids with rules, so when they cross the road, they only have to look one way
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
Why do buses and trains cost money, like you’re going that way anyway give us a lift g
When you need a dentist who’s also a snake handler. That.
My husband sure has a lot of opinions on which movie he’s gonna sleep through.
Fun fact: dinosaurs are divided into two main groups, “lizard-hipped” species like Apatosaurus and “bird-hipped” species like Stegosaurus
NOT FUN AT ALL fact: actual birds are considered lizard-hipped
If I win Poweball we’re all gonna have a party with SOOO much cocai…cake!
My 11-year-old has never worn slippers so naturally this is the one thing she remembered to pack for vacation.
I really haven’t been feeling well since last night..here’s me and the hubby’s convo..
H- you’d better get to a doctor
Me: It hasn’t even been a full day
H: what? It’s been two days
Me: how do you figure?
H: today and yesterday
Me:
Excuse me lady, either your baby is crying or your tea is ready…regardless, fix that shit.
I have one son that loves to refurbish cars. He doesn’t get it from me, I don’t even vacuum.
Did my fruit just move?
Pear-anormal activity
[At a Christening]
Priest: I now pronounce you Chris and Chris. You may kiss the Chris.
Guests: *chanting* Chris Chris Chris.
I was so tired that I failed a stupid captcha test 3 times in a row yesterday & if that’s not human, I don’t know what is.
doctor: this may hurt
me: june doesn’t look much better
I love how the cat trips me when I’m trying to refill his water bowl so that I get a water all over both of us, but then HE glares at ME.
I love books. You can put them on shelves, that conceal a fireman’s pole, that leads to a cave where you keep a fast car decorated with bats.
[1st date]
Him: Do you like magic?
Her: I LOVE MAGIC
Him: klatu barada nikto!
[Woman’s dead grandpa emerges from the ground]Her: *Screams*
Him: Oh, so you meant you like illusions.
#growingpains
I did my three minute river dance routine outside his bedroom window and my hot neighbor still doesn’t want to date me
This is bullshit
My toxic trait is wanting things I can’t have, like sleep and lactose
My editor dislikes my use of contractions but it’s what it’s
Me: *nervous giggle* Goodbyes are so awkward. Like do I go in for a kiss or what?
Drive-thru attendant: Please just take your food, sir.
[office]
BUSINESS SNAKE: [dictating a letter]
SECRETARY: [just hammering the S key]