If Mt Vesuvius erupted over us right now, there’d be lots of shapes of people looking at their phones later on.
You Might Also Like
[rolls down car window]
“Sir there’s a baby on your roof!”
Wait, if the baby is there… [sees coffee strapped in car seat]
Oh thank god!
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: I’m really proud of you for keeping your hands to yourself today. What would you like to do as a reward?
2: Hit my brother
I just killed a huge spider running across the floor with my shoe.
I don’t care how big the spider is, no one steals my shoe.
Life Hack: If you carry around a 14 inch kitchen knife, almost everything is free.
dispatch: we have a home invasion robbery in progress on the far side of the lake
rowboat cop: *grabs oar* I’ll be there in 6 hours
My wife calls it “woman’s intuition” but I call it “not clearing your browser history.”
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
So many designer dogs now-
Cavapoos, labradoodles, chugs …When is someone going to cross a
Bulldog and Shih Tzu ?That’s Bullshit.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
when i’m dying please rush me to the nearest haunted house. i don’t want to haunt a shitty apartment by myself.
(Inventing bathroom stalls)
Guy: should the door touch the ground
Other guy: how would we see their shoes?
I have a confession…
I don’t like Oreos.
And it feels so great getting that off my chest!
*blocked by all of Twitter*
It cannot be a coincidence that I am in the market for a stable girlfriend on the exact same day that Britney becomes single.
I have two dogs walking around my house in cones of shame and it’s like living a never ending game of bumper cars
I’m not sure about accusing someone of wanting to get into my pants. I’d like to see him try. I can hardly get into them myself..
Ovenable?
sure I’ll interpret that dream for you, it’s about hydration, they’re all about hydration. why else would you be driving a bus full of chickens.
Me: One time I was swimming and a pod of whales appeared out of nowhere! Such a sudden rush of happiness!
Friend: *Nodding* Endorphins
Me: No, just whales
My doctor thinks I’m hot. He said “fever” but I’ll take it.
Just did a 15km row which is my all time personal best and was feeling pretty good about it until I realised that I’d left the fox and the chicken on the same side of the river.
Last night I slept for 8 hours straight, and then for 2 hours gay.
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
white people go to an italian store one time then brag about the time they visited an “international market”
You ever think about how our ancestors were hunters and gatherers and now you can go to a supermarket and buy a robot that cleans your floor
Fool me once, I buy a grenade, Fool me twice, I throw it..
“HEY NANCY, HAVE YOU SEEN MY SOCKS?”
the casting director for “the boys” probably just left a few milkshakes out
Nana said I took too much NyQuil so I laughed at her and then she turned back into a paper clip and jumped into my fave Law & Order episode.