chasing after a ping pong ball is wildly dehumanizing
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Flat Earthers must lose their minds when they realize it’s called the atmosphere and not the atmoflat
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
Today seems like a good day to wash my hair and take 10 selfies wearing 10 different shirts so I can pretend I look human on a regular basis
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
“Hey Babe, wake up. We’re back in Louisiana.”
I quit smoking ten years ago, but every once in a while, I still enjoy a camel when I’m driving.
My cat has been looking up at the corner of the ceiling and hissing at it for the past 30 minutes in other news I just put my house up for sale.
I’m not good at communicating with others these days. I actually started a conversation the other day with “I like your chicken. It’s very fluffy.”
I’m bored and that can only mean one thing.
My bank accounts about to take a hit.
SO SPEAKETH THE OUIJA BOARD, “N E W N U M B E R W H O I S T H I S”
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
What rank in the military do you need to get to before they let you be fat?
Me: Welcome back to Fishin’ with Jesus. We only caught two fish so far-
Jesus: [standing on water] Count those fish again *winks at camera*
Me: “Could you show me where the self-help books are?”
Librarian: “No.”
When the zombie apocalypse comes and you’re in Walmart, how will you know?
Sweet Jesus > Unsweetened Jesus
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
1 of the 7 newly discovered planets has already been declassified after discovering it was merely Pluto wearing high heels & sunglasses.
A pregnant girl from my high school made her unborn child a Facebook and added me as a friend. I AM FRIENDS WITH AN EMBRYO YOU GUYS.
There’s a programme on the BBC called Elephant Diaries.
You’d think that was one animal that wouldn’t need to keep one.
Doctor: “Just lie back and relax, I’ll start the lasik eye procedure in a moment.”
*Turns on laser*
*Patient’s face is attacked by cats*
“Can you move it? Then it’s not broken. Go play.”
– Dad Medicine 101
I lost my job because my manager heard me slapping one of the customers. He wasn’t even at work. He heard from home.
me: *on my 100th crunch at the gym*
employee: ur getting cheeto dust on the weights
Prayers for my 4yo who despite many attempts is currently unable to remove his nose
My son said he’d do something in a minute.
So far it’s been 185 days, 16 hours & 11 minutes but who’s counting.
hell hath no fury like a toddler whose sibling is looking out the car window that isn’t theirs to look out of.
[First date]
Date: so you’re profile said you’re a big Taylor Swift fan. You must like her a lot.
Me (74 feet tall): I like her a moderate amount