*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat

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“I’ll take you for a walk when I’m damn well good and ready!” I say to my dog, defiantly putting on my coat, hat, gloves and scarf while grabbing her leash.


[runs out of toilet paper]

Me: *picks up cat* sorry, Mittens, desperate times call for desperate measures


me: *gritting my teeth* they will pay for this. you’ll see. they will ALL pay for this

waitress: okaaay… so separate checks then?


I hope that if I ever have to call 9-1-1 for an emergency an essential oil person is not the operator.

Help, I’m hurt.

Try Lavender.


Apparently trapping people in an elevator overnight (even if you have marsh mellows) not a good way to make friends, people are so sensitive


“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)


There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.


*answers a bagel like a phone*
i’m just in a meeting right now i’ll call you back


Before I rip these panties off you I gotta ask. Are they Victoria’s Secret or Wal-Mart? It’s important cause I’m on a budget and I’ll feel obligated to replace them.