I appreciate it when someone tells me to just “get over it” when I’m depressed. It gives me a chance to exercise my grave digging skills.
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Girls will be like, “You don’t mind if I put something of yours in my mouth, do you?”
And then they eat all your fries.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
[at White Castle]
clerk: can I get your name
me: Carly
clerk: Carla?
me: Carly
clerk: Carleen?
me: no, Carly, like Carly Rae Jepsen[5 minutes later]
clerk: Ray Jepsen, order’s up!
Friend: dude you can stop eating now, you already won the contest
Me: the what
“Your resume has MPGMA listed under hobbies. What exactly is that?”
Making people guess the meaning of acronyms.
every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
Someone asked me if I had any hobbies and I panicked and said “lasagna”
You know you’re a real a&&**** when you go in for a colonoscopy and come out with a sore throat.
He died doing what he loved – meeting people from Craigslist to buy furniture.
*burglar breaks in*
*i reach into my nightstand drawer, get my phone, & take his picture*
Burglar: No I have a double chin!
Me: I’ll post it
Navy: (subtweets)
Army: (helicoptertweets)
Hate to brag, but a cute fireman gave me his number today. It’s only 3 digits & he said it’s only for emergencies, but I know what he meant
When I am calculating any risk, I think to myself: is this first cat life behavior? Or ninth cat life behavior?
Turns out when you’re asked who your favourite child is you’re expected to pick from your own.
I can’t believe they get women to pay so much for those boots & can’t even spell ‘Ugly’ right…
me: I’m working on a romcom about mansplaining
agent: what’s it called
me: Actually Love
My ex was a true professional.she said “you are fired” when we broke up.
Kissing the back of someone’s neck is a sensuous thing to do.
Unless it’s a stranger in a queue in Primark.
The terminator figures out where John Connor is but he can’t do anything about it because he’s on 3% and can’t find a charger.
I’ll never invest my money in Facebook, mostly because it’s the place where people I went to high school with own pretend farms.
*Crosses fingers*
*Fingers plan their revenge*
Confuse your enemy by leapfrogging them
First date
Her: Wow this place is posh
Me: *clicks fingers* Garçon, we’d like to order food
Waiter: Entrées?
Me: No, on plates, you fool
Ever feel like you have one foot in a canoe and the other on a banana peel?
I’m still waiting for the chicken pot pie I cooked last weekend to cool down.
My family tree is a cactus, we’re all pricks.
Me: Excuse me, may I have a straw please?
*entire restaurant gasps*
I got a locket as a present, but I haven’t changed the stock photos in it yet. Currently I have been walking around with a baby and a dog I don’t know around my neck.
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
If you go to jail for tax evasion, you are living off taxes for not paying taxes.