*chasing after a rooster* give me your cool hat
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5 & 8:
Mommy, may I wear these boots?
Can you find my jeans?
Will you brush my hair?
Will you tie my shoes?
Mommy, why aren’t you ready?
Have you ever noticed that Santa brings better gifts to the kids that have rich parents?
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
When I’m horny, I stroll into rooms on all fours, with my ass shaking up in the air, meowing incessantly until someone throws a shoe at me.
My 4yo: Mommy do you know that a grownup could fit in a suitcase if they were really really flexible?
She’s making plans to dispose of my body y’all.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
When are we gonna admit that those tools we keep by the fireplace are just for killing people?
Not too proud of the sounds I just made when a mouse popped out of a bag I grabbed in the garage.
Last minute Christmas shopping at Costco in the 10 TVs or less line.
“I don’t have to run faster than the bear. I just have to run faster than you,” I say to my hiking companion. It is Usain Bolt. A bear waves
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-
Okie dokie folks *pokes around the ol’ computer* I think I’m in the “dark web.” Do I use tabs or open stuff in a new win- HOLY SMOKES THAT’S NOT HOW YOU USE A PAN FLUTE
I got my followers the old fashioned way – with tranquilizer darts.
My son went into a bank 5 mins ago and I’m waiting in the car. Now I’m hearing sirens in the distance and I’m hoping I’m not a getaway car.
Mom: if all your friends jumped off a bridge would you jump too
Me: no
Mom: how about 1 friend
Me: what
Mom: ok no friends & a ride there
my dog when i have a friend over
Who lives in a pineapple under the sea? Nobody, the pH level of a pineapple can not sustain life.
I believe the children are our future.
But my 3-year-old finished his juice & then got mad because he thought someone else finished his juice, so that future might be in trouble.
Oops. Everyone brought their “see you next year”s to work today and I only brought my throat slashing gesture.
If Seal was my friend, I would never miss an opportunity to ask him, “Wanna go clubbing?”
My cat killed a mouse, walked away and looked back at me. I don’t feel safe anymore.
That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.
4: “Can I have one?”
“No.”
4: “Okay just 2.”
“No.”
4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”
I followed you because you’re hot
-Mosquitoes
Them: What is your favorite thing to go hiking with?
Me: My car.
Her hands were garlic breadsticks of action. Her face was a Cesar salad of expression.
the concept of a courtroom sketch artist is so funny to me. here’s our little murder doodler
CPR refresher class. We’re told, “If they’re not breathing, there’s no way you can make it worse.” Woman then trips; kicks dummy’s head off.
Shout out to my kids.
BECAUSE SHOUTING IS THE ONLY WAY THEY HEAR ME.
Hip-hop is 50 years old. It wants you to stay off it’s lawn. And stop playing that music so loud.
when santa breaks into homes to take food it’s festive but when i do it it’s a crime??