Chasing my dream
Dream: I have a girlfriend
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Getting home and realizing my sister took all of the peanut clusters is the biggest Christmas double-cross there has ever been. I bet she got in her car, laughing, and just started driving for the coast
“This is wrong on sooo many levels” I say to my victims as I rob them at gun point on elevators.
that scene in texas chainsaw 3D where alex daddarios character who is supposed to be 40 runs away from leatherface but instead of hopping a fence or going a different direction she hops on a ferris wheel and is shocked to find out that it goes back down
Parents:
If you hit one child with one of the others, you can say they were just fighting.You’re welcome…
You say “premarital sex” like there’s postmarital sex
I accidentally dropped a Tide stick on my Spotify app and now it’s just ify
Our 4yo played Among Us with her brother over break and on the way to school this morning she told me she can’t wait to call emergency meetings and tell everyone she’s the impostor and then kill someone in the cafeteria. So yeah, I’m feeling REAL proud of my parenting choices.
Facebook: Adele is such an inspiration.
Instagram: Adele looking beautiful in her gown.
Twitter: Adele sounds like a chimney sweeper.
Alcohol is generally the answer. Especially when the question is ‘why can’t I remember what the question is?’
What do you do when your nose goes on strike???
You picket…
My ancestors didn’t walk out of the jungle, cross continents, interbreed with at least two other types of hominids, survive wars and plagues and cross an ocean for me to have to eat an untoasted bagel.
You’re a cunt. Maybe that’s why you’re alone.
Outside of a dog, a book is a man’s best friend. Inside of a dog, though, it’s every man for himself
Autocorrect changed “I’ll make better tweets” to “I’ll bake better tweets” so now I suspect my tweets are also cake.
*does hair and makeup*
*drives to the gym, takes selfie*
*leaves*
My kids have been helping our neighbors in their garden and now I’m having Children of the Corn flashbacks.
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
A zombie apocalypse would barely make the news.
[1st day at work]
BOSS: Erm..we..have No Smoking rules hereME: That’s great Alan [blows out smoke] most places have loads of smoking rules
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
If you’re wondering what good can come from all of this, at least they’re now putting tamper seals on pizza boxes.
My girlfriend broke up with me because she and I had different opinions. My opinion was that I was worth dating.
Wait, what’s that noise?
Is there a dying cat outside?
Oh…no…it’s just a 50 yr old man racing a remote control car down the road.
My followers are dropping like flies it must be that new perfume I bought.
i don’t care if it will “benefit our community” stacy. i’m not gonna take off this garfield costume
ME:After years dealing with my garbage-
RACCOON:*raccoon noises*
ME:*gets down on one knee* it’s become clear you’re the one for me
RACCOON:
my dad is heart reacting pics of my mom that he himself sent in the family group chat
we went out to lunch with my father in law. jokingly he told 6 to order beer for a drink so when it was 6’s turn he yelled “BEER!” and the entire restaurant looked at us like we’re terrible people.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
Damn I went from ‘I miss the bird songs’ to ‘all right that’s a lot of chatter for 5 am’ pretty quick