[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

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It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.


Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.


Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”


A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos


“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?


[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it’s beauty]
*from behind me*
you know they named this after a website


[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue


Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.


My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.