@audipenny

[chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where’d you get those tree legs, garden boy

You Might Also Like

@sannewman

It’s only a chihuahua if it comes from the Chihuahua region of Mexico. Anything else is just a sparkling mouse.

@joeldanger

Guys with ponytails are clearly vampires because there’s no way you can actually see yourself in a mirror & still think that looks good.

@living_marble

Oh sure, the continents get to drift forever and it’s “a natural geologic process” but when I do it I’m “wasting my potential.”

@BigBagOfScum

A fun thing to do is comment “that ain’t the girl you were with at the bar the other night” on all my married friends Facebook family photos

@danadonly

“my therapist actually told me im right and you’re wrong” oh really? your therapist who you pay $300 an hour, who only heard your side of the story, told you you’re right?

@KeetPotato

[paddling silently along the amazon in 2-man kayak taking in it’s beauty]
*from behind me*
you know they named this after a website

@DirtMcTurd

[Weekend in NYC with my wife]

Wife: Did you know Comicon is in NYC this weekend?

Me walking out of bathroom in a Deadpool costume: No clue

@Sweet_Me_73

Did you “ask” me or “axe” me?

Because seriously……

one is murder.

@Lisabug74

My cat and I made a best friend pact tonight. If I die first, he won’t eat my body. Or if he dies first, I won’t use his skull as a cup.