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@audipenny: [chatting up a man in camouflage pants]
Where'd you get those tree legs, garden boy
@nbadag: THERAPIST: you're running from something. what do u think it might be?
[goose outside the window does throat-slitting motion]
@HatfieldAnne: If you've ever wondered how many days you can reuse the same lemon wedge in your water pitcher in the refrigerator, the answer is not 11.
@JustHadOneJob: Don't tell me what to do.
@jacaristar: Daughter didn’t want “sunscream” so I put her outside and yelled “SUN.... GET HER” and now she’s flipping out.
@mommajessiec: I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.