Che Guevara was such a revolutionary. He revolutionized the t-shirt sales.
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Asian gangs, also known as study groups..
I would organize my thoughts but I’m afraid they would form a union and demand benefits.
time machine? you mean a clock?
“Don’t come in here there’s glass,” I say, but it’s too late. They all know the sound of secret peanut M&Ms skittering across the kitchen floor.
you can tell the new mad max movie takes place in a lawless post apocalyptic hellscape because not one person used their blinker
Friend: You’re going to be an usher at our wedding. Is that okay?
Me: Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah, Yeah.
Big shout out to the three people still trying to do jokes.
Wife: he’s always confusing sayings…
Therapist: what if you’re just misinterpreting him?
Me: oooh, check you out playing devil’s avocado
I turn to my freezer as I fill up an ice cube tray with water. “Hey, can you do me a solid?”
[hands over brown bag with £10,000 ransom]
“Now give me my wife.”
“This is short by £2.39”
[hides Mcflurry] “it’s all I got.”
I got the scar above my lip from *my time in prison.
*When my coffee mug launched itself out of my cupboard before work.
He who must not be selfied.
#Voldemort #HarryPotter
Me: sshhhhh, the house is right there *loading shotgun*
Realtor: *steps on a twig that snaps loudly*
House: *picks up garage and runs into the forest*
Me: for a realtor, you really suck at house hunting
Wooden Horsie 🐴
Product review:
The craftsmanship is beautiful & the quality of the wood is good. But interior is filled with Greek soldiers that ended up murdering everyone I love. Would NOT recommend this product to friends and family (because they’re all dead). 2/5 stars.
When life hands you gators, make Gatorade…just kidding-that means life hates you because the gators would totally kill and eat you 1st.
So, when you have a missing sock, how long do you hang onto its partner? 9-10 years?
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
[Prehistoric times]
Mom: When you get married, your husband will be the hunterDaughter: So I gather
Shut up laundry.Nobody wants to do you.
Me: one man’s trash is another man’s treasure
Garbage truck driver: are you seriously doing an Italian job on a garbage truck?
Me, feeling an arrow sliding by my hair to end up on a tree while I hear chubby baby crying : Not today, Cupid
Me: Please?
Daycare worker: No.
Me:
DW:
Me:
DW: For the last time, you’re not allowed to come in to just look at the babies.
Me: DAYCARES ARE BABY ZOOS!
It’s that time of year – holiday music playing, lights twinkling, and kids excited abo…GET YOUR STICKY HANDS OFF THE GODDAMN TREE OR SANTA IS GOING TO DROP YOUR TOYS IN THE OCEAN…ut baking cookies.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
“uh… dare.”
-Pinocchio
the short answer to this question
I’m at my most vulnerable when I’m hungry like I’ll tell you anything
This is Weller. He picked this flower for you. He also may have eaten a few of them. Not this one though. This one was special. 12/10 we are honored Weller
we live in a society where it’s perfectly acceptable to touch 50 pieces of fruit at the supermarket before buying one. every apple you eat has been fondled by half the neighborhood
{speed dating}
Me: What handbags can you afford?