@TheDiLLon1

Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.

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@lasergirl70

Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.

@BillPelicanBros

A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.

@AristotlesNZ

Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.

@Love_bug1016

Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.

@RodLacroix

Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Me: Canceled.
Child: What about-
Me: Postponed.
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child:
Me:
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.

@cray_at_home_ma

And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.

@MarfSalvador

me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine