Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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Last year I asked Santa for the sexiest person alive. I woke up in a box on Christmas morning.
ME: I had to fix dad’s computer after the power surge.
HER: Motherboard?
ME: No, she was watching TV.
What do you call a bunch of chess players bragging about their game in a hotel lobby?
Chess nuts boasting in an open foyer
When people fall with their iPhone 6 in pocket and hear a crack sound:
“Please let it be my leg, Lord.”
Santa Clause slides down the chimney of his cabin. He turns to Mrs. Clause
“The hell is that?”
I had a door installed
“The hell is a door?”
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
“Shit! Shit! Shit! Shit!” – When man discovered bears can climb trees as well
looking for a new pillow and came across these ones that look like you just opened your own head that was shipped to you in protective styrofoam
Sometimes you’re amazed at how smart your 3 year old is, and sometimes you tell her that her shoes are on the wrong feet and she takes them off and gives them to her brother to put on.
[me b4 going to doc office]
-200 degree fever
-can’t breathe w/o going into cardiac arrest
-leave a trail of slime everywhere like a slug[the second i get to doc office]
-best health of my life
-so healthy they rename health after me
-honorary doctorate from health university
I was up at 3:30am today and now I am required by Dad Law to bring it up in every single conversation at work today
I will buy anything that is endorsed by a celebrity from the 70’s/80s. That’s why I have a reverse mortgage even though I live in an apartment.
where do babies come from? seriously. i have no clue how they keep getting in the house.
Survey: How would you rate the cleaning products you recently purchased from us?
Me: I had to clean.
0 out of 5 stars.
The man who invented Velcro died. RIP.
We cracked the code to potty training our daughter. Spider man underwear. It took her picking out her own Spider-Man underwear to completely potty train herself. She won’t have an accident because she “can’t go potty on Spider-Man”. I can’t believe that’s all it took lol
The older I get, the more I feel like the town elders in Footloose were actually pretty cool.
My kids were helping me clean & then they asked what their reward would be.
Um how about you continue to live here?
Bacardi, no sugar is how I take my coffee.
Me having sex is like bungee jumping.
It’s either amazing, or someone gets seriously injured.
There is no in between.
ME: I declare bankruptcy
CUSTOMS OFFICER: No just like stuff you bought in Mexico
ME: One time I was attacked by a shark
REPORTER: Wow! [turns on recorder] tell us what it was like
ME [leans in to mic] A massive fish
I told my bosses I needed the day off tomorrow and they said “mom, when we say no, the answer is no.”
Me: This Pfizer vaccine made me fat.
Them: You were fat before the vaccine.
Me: It’s made me a time-traveler, too.
My son challenged my wife & I to a game of hide-and-seek. We took off for the weekend and left him some food. In your face, loser!
Do you ever walk out of a bathroom and want to put a sign on the door that says “I was just peeing It smelled that way when I went in there”
You mean you can actually put the cork back in a wine bottle?
Hahahaa WHY!!??
I got out of bed this morning and decided it was time to turn it around. So, I did a 180 and went back to bed.
The joy you get as a parent when you buy a big pizza and garlic bread to share, but they don’t like it! 😍😍
Message to my Haters: i hope you wake up nineteen minutes before your alarm goes off tomorrow