The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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I just love it when my boyfriend comes to visit and brings me presents. He always says stuff like “stop winking and sign for this package”
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
I wonder how many animals we had to ride before we discovered that horses were cool with it.
me: how much for the boquet of dogs
girl walking dogs: huh
me: *slipping her $5* how about now
Date: These lamb chops are great
Me: They’re missing something
Date: Like what?
Me: *about to invent mint jelly* Jiggly toothpaste
An Adele remix? Perfect now I can dance and cry at the same time.
a squirrel buries a nut in my backyard. I think im going to dig it up & replace it with a grilled cheese sandwich, blow its freaking mind!
ME: Uggh! When will I ever even need to know this?!
PRENATAL INSTRUCTOR: Again, when your wife has the baby.
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle