Bawk to the Future #ChickenMovies
Cheap 1st Date Ideas: Get some matching Red Polo shirts & hang out in a Target. Give terrible info to inquisitive costumers.
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The Pixar lamp killed my Dad.
Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
Last time I wore my celery costume out in public I was arrested for stalking.
I mean, I’m smart, but I’m no Alfred Einstein.
Gentle reminder to send that good morning text so she doesn’t have to draw on her angry eyebrows.
Child: Hey tomorrow are we still go-
Child: What about-
Child: Well can we-
Me: It’s closed to the public for the rest of the month.
Child: This is gonna be a loooong couple of weeks for you.
And on the 7th day God rested, but the children did not rest. So on Monday God made school and He sent the kids and all the people rejoiced.
me: so there’s nothing you can do to help?
doctor: no, you’re just going to have to live with it I’m afraid
me: [takes baby] ugh fine