Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.


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– I’d like to make a reservation.
– Name?
– Matthew McConaughey.
– Can you spell that for me?
– No.


Listen, I’ve been stuck atop this condemned lighthouse for weeks now, and you don’t hear me complaining. No one does


*starts petting a random dog in the park when I see my ex dog walking past*


as a kid, there really wasn’t anything I wanted to be when i grew up. and boy have i nailed it.


BREAKING NEWS: Man gets out of offending people by saying “present company excluded of course” after highly offensive statement


i know how hard it must have been for my parents to tell me there was no santa because i just had to tell my parents there’s no jesus


if you think about all the people you didn’t marry, you’ve had a positive impact on virtually every life in the world


[first day as a snake charmer]

me: ayy wussup king damn what that tongue do long boi lmao u got room in that wicker basket for two or what

cobra: *striking me several times about the face, neck, and chest*


If you’re ever interviewed after my murder, please, for the love of god, don’t say “she had a smile that lit up the room.” Tell the truth: we always knew she’d get on the wrong side of a sniper or we were worried about that dangerous model train group she got mixed up with.