@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

- @unravelingfire

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@loudmouth_usa

Him: If you could have dinner with any people, living or dead, who would you choose?
Me: All the dead ones

@AnitaHelmet

If men knew the effect their scent has on women, they’d shower more and fart less.

@XplodingUnicorn

Me: Did you use my highlighter?

2-year-old:

Me:

2:

Me:

2: No.

Apparently she’s always been neon yellow.

@DothTheDoth

Two squirrels in the backyard. But they are not playing together. Wonder if there’s history.

@AnkCoupleTO

Bartender: A shot of whiskey can cleanse the soul

Me: *thinks back to the time I “experimented” in college* I’ll take 27 bottles please

@WhaJoTalkinBout

me: *whispering angrily against his lips* no it’s not ok
waiter: *whispers back* but have you ever actually tried Pepsi

@squirrel74wkgn

Crap, I hate good-bye kisses. I think that I may have used too much tongue with my mother-in-law.

@Deniswoods565

Why do girls keep having periods when they hate them? Just stop having them , do what makes you happy ??