@unravelingfire

Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.

Twitter.

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@VisionBored1

STOP YELLING AT PEOPLE WHEN YOU’RE IN ANOTHER ROOM she yelled from another room

@Parker_Simpson

Took a screenshot with my iPhone with the intention of texting a picture of my cracked screen.So the answer is no I didn’t graduate college.

@fightforfood

I’m not saying Goldilocks was a piece of shit, but she broke into someone’s house and just started eating their breakfast.

@alkemp57

I’ve just invented a perfume made from holy water
Eau my God

@minkpinkustink

the most important thing i learned from kermit the frog is that you can have a pretty good life without ever putting on pants

@bourgeoisalien

Is there an apology card for: Sorry I kidnapped your dog and made him run on a treadmill to power my toaster last week, or no?

@TheHyyyype

[driving]

WIFE: gross, did you see the roadkill back there?

ME [scared]: did i see the road kill what?

@ObscureGent

My birthday is 9 months after the release of the movie Grease. So now I have to live with the truth that I was conceived while John Travolta was singing.

@clichedout

her: are u excited for the next Star Wars

me: [sweating] did we win the last one