Cheaper than online shopping and less horrible than online dating.
Twitter.
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My wife had a tick on her. It wasn’t attached though. The whole thing was very zen
People belittle the internet “talking about a dress” as if we’re busy solving problems otherwise.
AISLE 7
– Chips
– Cookies
– Quackers
20s: I do yoga so I can be better in bed
30s: I do yoga so I can get out of bed
unilever exec: look truthfully we don’t care if u put the q-tip in ur ear just stop when u encounter resistance
me: [already pushing it out the other side]
If I’ve learned one important thing about the human race, it’s that we don’t need best-before dates on bags of potato chips.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Pretty disappointed to find out that “Toys for Tots” isn’t a program where I trade my kids’s toys for delicious tater tots.
I’m excited to visit my Grandma tonight, but she just about gave me a heart attack
Fights fire with marshmallows
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
Does anyone want to be my internet girlfriend?
Requirements:
– Exist (optional)
– Talk to me (not recommended)
– Send nudes (if you want, not to me though, I don’t know what to do with them)
[to guy with his foot caught in a bear trap]
dude that things for bears
The 5 second rule doesn’t apply when you drop the last m&m in the bag. If it takes an hour to find it, so be it.
In 6th grade I had an ugly pimple on my nose that left a scar and I told my friend I got bitten by a spider…dude called me Batman because he didn’t know shit about comics
starting an egg-finding service, and also secretly an egg-hiding business on the side
I slipped on a toy car and ended up sprawled on the floor, so my toddler used me as a step stool to get onto the couch if you’re wondering what parenthood is like
If Ann Coulter is tweeting then who’s guarding Azkaban?
“How’s your core?” bro I’m not an apple.
Me: Bless you honey
4yo: Daddy I didn’t sneeze I coughed
Me: Well bless you anyway
4yo: NO
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
like my toaster, i too spend a lot of time in my kitchen making sudden movements and burning things.
Why are the people with the most annoying laughs the ones that find everything hysterical?
Baby showers are fun until someone has too much champagne and starts a plastic knife fight over a corner piece of cake.
I need a ride home.
Facebook is where you’ll find people sharing screenshots of sarcastic tweets and commenting “stupid”.
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
indiana jones: time to explore ancient caves, fight nazis, and seek treasure
idaho jones: time to eat potatoes again
Eating frosting with my hand. Just kidding I don’t know whose hand this is