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Anjelica Huston got married to the inventor of autocorrect and now her legal name is Ageless Ice Houseboat.
front of the back of the
Christmas tree Christmas tree
[in bed]
Him: What are you thinking?
Me: (blushing) I don’t wanna say
Him: You can tell me
Me: I wish I knew more about campaign finance law
I am having an out of money experience.
I walk in the kitchen and see a note on the refrigerator. “The kids and I are leaving you. I want a divorce.” Shocked, I break down in tears, wondering where it all went wrong. The husband is crying too, at which point I realize I’m in the wrong house.
WIFE: how’s dinner
ME: these mashed potatoes are dank
WIFE: is that bad or good
ME: …
WIFE: …
ME: I don’t know
I’m good at turning a bad situation into a terrible one
4: I’m hungry.
Me: Want some eggs?
4: No.
Me: Yogurt?
4: No.
Me: Frosted Flakes?
4: [excited] FROSTED…FLAKES??
Me: Would you like some?
4: No.
him: because of the current covid-19 restrictions, we can’t let more than 100 ppl into your husband’s funeral
my wife: not a problem
him: sorry i meant 10
my wife: plenty of wiggle room still
He’s taking you for granted? Act differently. Do something spontaneous. Spice things up. Sleep with his friend.
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
If your Dad leaves, just act like you’re installing a new screen door. All the Dads of the neighborhood will gather round. Pick your new Dad
Tiime isn’t on my side, it’s on my face, wrinkling my forehead.
Her: I’ve travelled the world and the 7 seas…
Me: That’s redundant. Seas are part of the world.
Her:
Her: Some of us want to abuse you.
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
If we put headlamps on the squirrels that live in our trees, we don’t even need a strobe light for our backyard dance party. Just something to consider.
Nobody talks about Dumbo anymore…
He’s irrelephant
Idea: a neck tattoo that depicts a man having an unsuccessful job interview because of his neck tattoo
To borrow a biblical term, couldn’t the quest for a Covid-19 vaccine be called “the road to de-mask us?”
I’m sorry for dropping a glitter bomb in the baptismal pool at church tomorrow.
*has hiccups for 30 seconds*
MY LIFE IS PURE SHIT
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: How come Cinderella was able to talk to the mice but not the birds, cat or dog??
The vet said he can’t prescribe my imaginary horse anymore ketamine.
At my funeral, feed me into a woodchipper and point it at the mourners
Would I like wedges? No thank you, I shall stick with fries. Not a huge fan of starch that takes 30 minutes to cool down enough to eat while simltaniously becoming totally inedible, but thank you for offering me your salty paper weights.
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
[white house staff meeting]
Obama: Any questions?
*Biden raises hand*
Obama: Spongebob is yellow Joe.
*Biden returns to coloring book*
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
[First day as homicide detective]
* approaching murder scene *
Guys, I pass out at the sight of blood, so give me a heads up if you ……