Eating food off the floor, taking pills, trying to chase away ghosts? I grew up to be Pac-Man
You Might Also Like
You’re a busy woman. Let the smoke alarm tell you when the chicken’s done.
[at the sistine chapel]
me: *raising my hand at the back of the tour group* so where are chapels one through fifteen
tour guide: *angry italian noises*
“Some people say I’m an animal in the sack.” – baby kangaroo
[at dry cleaners]
Me: Hi, did I drop something off here a few weeks ago?
Owner: Yes
Son: *walks out from back* Daddy!!!
Real Estate Agent: We’re here for your routine inspection. You have to let us in.
Me (hosing down the inside of the house): One moment.
Me: I’m feeling really confident right now.
Universe: Humble her.
When a work project succeeds: “This was a group project. We all contributed and worked hard on it, and we all deserve credit. Yay team!”
When a work project fails: “That was Steve’s idea.”
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
You know you’ve been on a diet too long when you start reading the ingredients on a bag of dog treats.
Seize the day! by its legs and lock it in chains. Hold a mock trial, find the day guilty. Behead the day. Bury the day in a nameless grave.
Nobody:
Me: people died on the Titanic but the lobsters were set free.
She just assumed the chocolates I brought to the date were hers and not my pre dinner snack.
Instead of chasing after Taylor Swift, I’m just going to wait until she breaks up with everyone else so I’m all that’s left.
Told her I’d rather eat laundry than fold it and now I’m having boxers for breakfast.
Starlord: Galaxy. Superman: Earth. Spiderman: NYC. And then there’s Daredevil micromanaging the shit out of 10 blocks in midtown Manhattan.
I opened a pistachio once…
Worst 37 minutes of my life.
The definition of insanity is me trying to dance like 80s Madonna when I couldn’t dance like 80s Madonna in the 80s.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
me: who are some of your favourite postmen? who inspires your craft? postman: please take your fingers out of the slot. i can’t put the letters in
I love when you look into someone’s eyes and you can just see their face light up because they are some sort of cyborg with face lighting.
Just told my sleeping husband I lost two lbs, to which he replied, with his eyes still closed, “I’ll help you find them. We’ll look later”
Hey IKEA,
Marriage Therapists and Divorce Lawyers on site in your stores, you’d make a killing.
Clark Kent: *absentmindedly takes off his glasses*
Lois Lane: oh my god are you … a plane?
When I need a dose of logic and rational thinking I turn to my dog who has to this day never cut her own bangs.
boeing: you can’t bring more than 3 ounces of shampoo on board because we care about your safety
me: ok and the doors will definitely stay on the plane?
boeing: …IF they fall off, it won’t be because of shampoo
When I’m feeling overwhelmed, I like to pretend I have Christmas movie problems like “Do I move back to the small town where my single Canadian handsome high school bf lives, and open a Chocolate shop?”
Easter tip: Tell your kids you hid an egg with $50 in it in the backyard but you don’t remember where. Enjoy a quiet day indoors.
My son will never know the thrill of illegally downloading Thong Song on napster and waiting 1h39m for it to download
Please stop inventing new slang words so quickly. I’m having trouble not becoming my grandmother.