My son is more polite to an Alexa speaker than his own family
Apparently, all it takes is knowing every dinosaur fact in the universe
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broke: animals can’t go to heaven because they don’t wait til marriage to have sex
woke: u can teach a parrot to say the sinner’s prayer, parrots will be in heaven, parrots everywhere
one of the most amazing things in nature is that the basketball hoop is the perfect size to fit a basketball through
(looking up the ending of LOST on wikipedia) ohhhh now i understand. this is a free online encyclopedia
Me: *in fancy men’s clothes shop having just been told he price of the suit I was admiring* “Yes, yes I see… and how much for the hanger?”
[portrait studio]
ARTIST: I charge $50 per limb, because limbs are difficult to draw
ME: How much to draw me from the side?
ARTIST: That’ll cost you an arm and a leg
[1st date]
[to self] Don’t let her know ur a boa constrictor
Her: “How’s your meal?”
[i’ve dislocated my jaw & swallowed the whole table]
Some choices are easier than others:
An emergency doctor’s appt vs a much needed hair appt.
At least if I die my hair will be cute.
My guardian angel probably spends most of their day just deleting my draft tweets
me: you ever have conversations in your head?
me: lmao no
[In bed with gf]
“Do you have any fantasies?”
Yeah, one. You know your friend Sarah, the hot one?
“Yes.. why?”
I want to hit her with my car
Veteran Parent Tip:
Buying a bullhorn to loudly announce from your car, “Your Uber driver has arrived!” gives you a 73% greater chance of your teens no longer making you wait when picking them up from a friend’s house
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
I’m not saying my son’s basketball team is really bad. I’m typing it.
Squid really does seem like the perfect name for that thing
Me: what’s the deal with airplane food
Baby: I don’t know it just tastes better when you make that noise
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
If the lever on your toaster breaks off and your bread starts burning, can you pry it out with a butter knife? The answer may shock you.
I bet someone said “Do what makes you happy” to Hitler too.
Some guy tried to cut me off in traffic and I screamed, “I’m wearing a sports bra to a business meeting, I am afraid of nothing!”
Not to brag, but my father bit someone’s ear off long before Mike Tyson made it cool.
[first day as a pharmacist]
Customer: do you have any cold medicine?
Me: *looks around* I think they’re all room temperature
Me to Gonzo: Stop chasing after her! She’s toxic!
Gonzo: You don’t even know her, Mom!
Me: Well, I know she’s a toad.
Newlyweds: Our love will be strong & unapologetic
[3 months later]
Him: How many bottles of shampoo do you need?
Her: I fake it every time
if the moon landing really happened then where did the moon land?? i don’t see it anywhere you think you’d notice it i mean it’s at least 5, 6 feet wide
*august*
y’all need jesus
*christmas ads start*
not like that
You know you’ve just had lunch with a narcissist when your neck is stiff from nodding.
Who has 3 thumbs and needs an alibi?
Don’t go into a house that has candlesticks, you know somebody is about to get murdered.
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My nail technicians always speak their native language around me and I can’t help but feel left out…it’s like…come on besties…I want to make fun of me too