Check for bed bugs by yelling “Gee, I’m so happy there are no bed bugs here!”, and if you hear faint giggling, set the bed on fire.
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Doctor: You have bronchitis
Me: OMG I’ve always wanted a dinosaur!What do I feed it?
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
I want to be a lighthouse keeper who doesn’t go mad but instead maintains a healthy balance between making sure the light stays lit and my friends and family understand they come first unless I have to change the lightbulb.
I’m concerned that the Mars Perseverance rover is stealing jobs from space cowboys
Just heard they’re investigating a slaughterhouse in California for animal cruelty. IT’S A SLAUGHTERHOUSE
You know what bothers me? When people assume you’re homeless cause you’re asleep on the street and your pants are gone..
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
Overheard
Woman in convenience store to her boyfriend: If you really loved me, you’d buy me a lemur.
A lady asked me where my adopted son came from and I said if she doesn’t know by now where babies come from it’s not my place to tell her
I am never too old to redecorate your garden gnomes in the middle of the night.
Gay marriage is about to become legal in England. Hey, America, how does it feel when your parents are cooler than you?
Dunkin Donuts gives you zero or fifty nine napkins, there is no in between.
GENIE: u have 3 wishes
ME: give Taylor Swift 1 extra ear
GENIE: k
ME: a blue one
GENIE: righto
ME: now make Kanye hear out of it
GENIE: dude
I’ve verified my own account.
It’s utter crap ✔
“When life gives you people, mass murder them.” — An Angry Lemon.
Dear lady arguing w/ the clerk over whether or not it is “good” champagne: YOU ARE IN A GAS STATION!
Radio Shack would have filed for bankruptcy years ago but they’ve been trying to do it using dial-up internet
“Let’s see what you’re made of!” he says on approach, knife in hand.
“Good.” I mutter. “Another adversary who paid no attention in Biology.”
The elevators aren’t working and I work on the 10th floor.
I just may become the first person ever to call in sick from the security desk.
There’s no such thing as coincidence?
I’m confused.
If there is no such thing why did they name it?
Coincidence?
I think not Xx
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
me: a weirdo broke into my house
cop: are you positive it was a weirdo
me: well they took my bag of doll heads so you tell me
Me: One last time for old times’ sake?
Broken washer: No.
there is asparagus
in my hairagusand I don’t
caragus
Cop: Tell me your alibi for last night, or you’re going to prison
Me (watched Fight Club with Voldemort): oh no
cop: did anyone follow you here
jesus: no
cop: i’m not so sure, there’s a van across the street with twelve guys in it
I try not to snack at night, but the cheese in my fridge haunts me. What if I die in my sleep and NO ONE EATS IT?
My kidnappers sent me back early with a full apology, some money, and several of their fingers