I never took a drama class but everyone at this birthday believes that I love this gluten free cake.
You Might Also Like
Some people can never, ever admit they’re wrong. I’m not one of them though I was definitely wrong about you
Dear 16, There are other ways to meet girls besides backing your car into theirs. Love, Exasperated Mom
[shitfaced at my HS reunion] Has anyone seen the lunch lady
The lady on the news said that alcohol sales are down significantly in Alberta.
I’ve been sober for 57 days.So technically, I was on the news tonight.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
I only have one sex toy. 7 if you search my house and get creative.
Whoever put the ‘b’ in subtle was a clever bastard.
America: You drive for four hours. You are still in the same part of the country.
UK: You drive for two hours. The local accent has changed twice. Bread rolls have a new name.
My life hack? If you buy a Rubik’s cube and never touch it they’ll never know you can’t solve it.
Hey Hotels! Stop keeping decaf coffee in the rooms. If I’m late and need to rush out the last thing I need is a cup of zero energy water that tastes like the Great Depression.
If my memory serves me, the last time I was someone’s type, I was donating blood.
not to brag but I can almost always tell when it’s a car with antlers instead of an actual reindeer.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
Me:*typing furiously* I’ve bypassed the firewall and I’m hacking into the mainframe now
Arby’s customer: So is my order placed or not
Me: No
95% of parenting is using your sock as a mop.
2-year-old: *stares at a pregnant lady in church*
Me: She has a baby in her tummy.
2: *whispering* She ate it.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
Sorry about the ninja star in your neck, I’m on day 3 of a diet.
we should be using all the time technology frees up to expand language, not shorten it. instead of ‘prolly’ try ‘probababably.’
bella waking up at the end of breaking dawn part 1
Interview Tip: When you get the “where do you see yourself in 5 years” question, don’t say “post-apocalyptic tribal warlord”.
Me: Go get everyone for dinner please
6: (SCREAMS) EVERYBODY DINNER!
Me: I meant go walk and get them
6: But I like using my mommy voice
Me:
6: The screaming
Me: I got it
Number of times my dog has puked on:
the tile floor: 0
the carpet: 3,290
[leaving 5 minute voicemail] …and you can reach me at [deep breath] *says phone number as fast as possible, slurring the numbers together*
“Oh my god I can’t believe someone would pronounce my name exactly how it’s spelled!!!”
– people with stupid names
I like to switch browsers as often as possible. They all prompt to make them the default browser. It feels nice to be fought over.
I JUST DRUNK 37 MONSTER ENERGYS AND NOW I CAN SMELL ABSTRACT LEGISLATIVE EUPHEMISMS
I like for my resolutions to be attainable so this year I resolve that I will neither become the pope nor will I become a cannibal.
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.