You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.
Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving
Bae: Come over
Me: Do you have food??
Bae: My parents aren’t home
Me: Are they coming back with food??
[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]
Me: do you take requests?
Me: can you stop playing?
My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.
When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…
I washed a man in Reno just to watch him dry.