I will take your secret to the grave. Unless I’m drunk and revealing it will make me popular.
Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.
Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.
Me: I think there has been a mistake.
Professor: I said sit down.
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My mom: Easter is at noon on Sunday.
Me: I’m not religious but I’m pretty sure Easter is all day.
DOG COP: sir, you ran a gray light
DOG DRIVER: it was gray!
COP: no, it was gray!
COP: *starts barking*
To save money, instead of going to the club, I just get drunk at home and yell “what?” into a mirror over and over.
How do you tell your spouse you were fired from SpaghettiOs for honoring Pearl Harbor Day with a smiling cartoon noodle holding a flag?
[stargazing with my daughter]
Daughter: dada where’s Orion’s Belt?
Me: it’s probably on Orion’s Pants lol.
Daughter: this is why I have a C in science.
My son said a bunch of disparaging things about Billy Joel and now he sleeps outside in a tent. That’ll learn him.
“Gary give me the gun”
“I thought you had it”
“I TOLD you to bring it”
“who brought the getaway car?”
I hate when my wife says her friend at work “got flowers again today” and I have to kill that chick’s husband.
*Ubers to my parking spot at Costco*