Check in desk: We’ve oversold the flight so I’m going to put you in business class.

Me: Great.


Professor: The first rule of business is- you’re late. Please sit down.

Me: I think there has been a mistake.

Professor: I said sit down.

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I’m just gonna go ahead and change my boys names to “Stop making that stupid noise” and “Where are your shoes?”.


Woman: it’s legal to breastfeed my son in public
Cop: not while he’s driving


Bae: Come over

Me: Do you have food??

Bae: My parents aren’t home

Me: Are they coming back with food??


[a guy is playing acoustic guitar at a local pub]

Me: do you take requests?

Him: yes!

Me: can you stop playing?


My third bottle of wine was able to “breathe” for a few hours when I opened it at 3am and passed out on the floor.


When the ex saw 2 wine glasses in my sink, I hope he thought, “she shared a bottle w/ a hot guy” not “drinking alone 2 nights in a row”


“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”


You know what else is fun? Playing dead when your husband receives the credit card bill…