Smokey: “Only you can prevent forest fires”
Me: HOLY SHIT A TALKING BEAR
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Im going to change my name on Facebook to “Benefits”, so that when you add me it will say, “You are now friends with benefits”
Why I gotta scan all my parts at tsa but they cant scan the airplane for all its parts
My husband is looking for the remote control. I need everyone to stand up for a minute.
if you have a baby make sure you tell everybody exactly how much it weighs this is very important information and people love to hear it
You gotta know when to hold em
Know when to fold em
Know when to walk away
Know when to runThis concludes your parenting course.
I CALL BULLSHIT
Let’s hear some tropes in TV/movies that are complete bullshit. I’ll start:
Dude making dinner produces a gourmet-looking dish, has a neatly folded hand towel thrown over his shoulder, and is wearing an *immaculate* white dress shirt. BULLSHIT!
Bad comedy:
“Gonorrhea, but not forgottenorrhea. Am I right?”
*crickets*
“Jeez, y’all sure know how to avoid the clap. Am I right folks?”
Nothing stops me in my tracks faster than a five year old saying, “I got you a present!”
just having fun
Wish I had the unbridled enthusiasm of a freshly groomed dog heading straight for a mud puddle.
I appreciate and am so thankful for all law enforcement officers
…until I’m driving.
Who called it a coma instead of a dream vacation?
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
{after 1st date}
Her: *texts* I left my keys in your car. Locked out. It’s freezing.Me: *waits 3 days to reply so I don’t look desperate
BOSS: This team isn’t performing, hire someone with a good track record
[2 wks later]
ME: I’d like you to meet our new employee, Usain Bolt
Thursday Thought.
Me: Can you bring me a burrito
Him: you want me to come over?
Me: no. I want a burrito to come over.
It’s an unspoken rule on garbage day that pajamaed neighbors pretend not to see each other.
guy at the gym: hey can you spot me
me: ya you’re not even hiding
(At concert)
EVERYBODY ON YOUR FEET!!
Me: Not a chance
WAVE YOUR ARMS!!
Me: Ridiculous
OKAY YOU GUYS SING!!
Me: WHOSE CONCERT IS THIS?
#catsoftwitter
me, after making no effort to address a complaint: how about now
I’m pretty sure Morgan Freeman was narrating while the universe was being created
Him: “So, what made you agree to this blind date?”
Me: “I really need to feel something inside me other than my demons.”
Him: “Wait, wh-?”
My demon: “Shush! Let her finish. Can you believe this guy?”
Me: “I know, right?”
6yr old: “We’ll see” means there’s a chance, right mom?
Me: Sure, let’s go with that.
*Creates Animals*
God: They’re magnificent.
Angel: Some of ur best work.
Man: Which ones go on pizza?
If Twitter bellies up, I’m getting addresses because we are all pen pals now
Everyone’s gangster until they have to carry a leaking compost bag to the bin outside.
Just learnt how a cat yowls on heat. So glad we as humans don’t do it the same way
I’m so old, I saw some kids roughhousing and bruised.