“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
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The most unbelievable part of any Christmas movie is that characters my age are homeowners
Announcer: “Welcome to the Super Bowl 50 Halftime Show. Are you ready to rock?!”
[crowd goes nuts]
A: “Well too bad, here’s Coldplay”
The best part of Robocop is when they spent billions of dollars making a cyborg super soldier instead of helping Detroit not be awful.
Protip: Never end a work email with “Let me know if you want to discuss” without immediately leaving the building.
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
[being chased by a murderer]
Me: *stops running, bends down* find a penny pick it up all day long you’ll have good luck!
Murderer: *stabs me*
I once sprained my wrist flapping away too vigorously in a panic after I walked into a massive spider’s web. I told everybody I damaged my hand playing rugby
The best part of running at 5am is the irrational, adult fear of zombies to keep you going.
I was looking into party ideas for my twins 6th birthday and came across someone who does slime & glitter parties so I reported them to the police
Siri, assemble a list of people who are dead to me.
Me: I hit the ejector seat and sent her through the roof by accident
Cop: you’re under arrest. I’m taking you to jail
Me: let’s take my car
5 is threatening Siri that he’s gonna turn off the iPad bc she’s not doing what he wants
My neighbors started Christmas decorating right after they ran out of Halloween candy so I called the police.
You ever watch a scary movie and then go to bed but need to watch cartoons first as a palate cleanser?
TV COMMERCIAL: are you suffering from
ME: yes
It’s like my nana always said, “If you choose your friends wisely, you’ll never have good drugs.”
Before towels were invented people rubbed themselves against the carpet.
[watching Queer Eye]
tan france on TV: *holding up a shirt* this is ghaaastly. this is the oogliest shirt i have evah seen.
me at home: *looks down* *is wearing the exact same shirt*
BY THIRTY FIVE YOU SHOULD HAVE SAVED HALF OF YOUR RETIREMENT WHICH IS EASY IF YOUR RETIREMENT PLAN IS TO WADE INTO THE SEA
“I’m just playing Powerball for fun. I don’t expect to win”.
-me as I slowly pull out my dark magic spell book
I used to be such a party girl, and last night I went to a concert that played until 11:30pm and I was fighting for my goddam life to make it
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
I blame Johnny Bravo for my body image issues
What if IN DA CLUB was a Christmas Song?
A fun thing about having teens home during summer break is that they only require 2 meals a day because they don’t wake up until lunch.
“I think we should start touching other people.”
-Blind couple breaking up.
Welcome to parenthood, WHY ARE THE SCISSORS NOT IN THE GODDAMN DRAWER??
The pottery scene from ghost but it’s me behind you adding more mayo while you’re making me a sandwich.
[frisky in the bedroom]
Me: yeah, hurt me 😏
Her: Parks & Rec is better than The Office!
My wife is leaving for a cruise today and the only thing that she left me was a list of shows I’m not allowed to watch yet.