[ new burger joint ]
Me: I hear this place has the best burgers in town
Waitress: Yeah, and we make our own ketchup
“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
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It finally happened! The flight attendant asked “is there a doctor on this flight?” and I leapt up and said yes!
Did a tracheotomy at 30,000ft with a razor blade and ballpoint pen.
He didn’t make it, but the thrill was undeniable. Thinking of going to doctor school now.
“I love potatoes! They are delicious and so versatile. If only they could get me laid…”
-how vodka was born
Curiosity doesn’t kill anything, stupidity does.
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
[FIRST DAY AS A NUDE MODEL]
INSTRUCTOR: Sir, we need you to take off your socks.
ME: (chuckles) Oh, sorry.
INSTRUCTOR: (clears throat) All three of them.
I was waiting for my wife to try on clothes & spoke to this woman for almost 20 minutes until I looked up & noticed her head was missing.
For cardio, I drive before the windshield is defrosted.
me: let’s go to bed earlier like responsible adults
brain: great idea
me: so do we just like lay here or what
brain: i have no idea
You haven’t lived until you’ve had a dog give you the “Jesus Christ go to bed already” look