“Check it out, I bought a shoot gun”
“You mean a shotgun”
“No not yet”
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I’ve watched this 19 times this morning.
men r from mars , women r frm venus , neither are capable of reproducton or space travel so species dies out [RECALIBRATE SIMULATION?] <Y/N>
When I’m depressed I like listening to Alanis Morupset
wife: dont say anythin stupid on the way out
me: i wont
[shakes priest’s hand after lovely wedding ceremony]
me: so are you god’s boyfriend?
I jumped out of bed at 6am trying to catch the ice cream truck because I heard the music in a dream… so now I’m awake and I have no ice cream, this is bullshit
*doctor administers experimental anti bad joke serum*
how do you feel?
“with my hands”
let’s give it a minute
Sorry but this is the best bird story I’ve ever read. The update is *chefs kiss*
Every once in a while in a bag of peanut m&m’s you get that one roundboi that has no peanut and it’s just a thicc m&m and that’s the m&m i’d like to be if I were an m&m
My walk of shame is going back for a shopping cart after realizing I can’t carry 23 items in my arms through the store.
My Family: Show us on the doll where you…where you touched yourself.
*I slowly point to the doll’s face, everyone erupts in sobs and wailing*
Actor Eddie Murphy nailed America’s cultural bias nearly 30 years ago.
I remember when people just wanted to date someone with personality..but noOoo, now everyone’s gotta have multiple.
Carrot raisin salad. When you want to eat something horrible, 3 times.
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
Me: Do you want McD or KFC for dinner?
Hubs: Can’t you make something? Any ideas?
Me: Divorce
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH
If you see me longingly looking at you at the pub, i’m just wondering if you’re going to eat all those nachos?
I lost 30 lbs, and did it without exercising or changing my diet! Ask me how.
Not right now, though. I’m waiting for my meth dealer to call.
True dat! 😂😂😂😂
I came home and my gf had laid out rose petals from the door, down the hall and into our bed. There were even rose petals in the shower, my sock drawer and my jacket pocket. And even in the medicine cabinet where my EpiPen usually is because I AM SEVERELY ALLERGIC TO ROSE PETALS
I remember a short time in my life when I didn’t like hot dogs. 5 is a challenging age.
I don’t know what’s a video game and what’s a movie anymore. I think I was trying to play a movie for a few hours last night.
why does this building look like a guilty dog
My young children are currently screaming because they collectively ate the last two bananas in this house and they both want more.
THIS IS BANANARCHY.
I go to Costco sometimes just to pet the rotisserie chickens.
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
The heavy sighs are coming from inside the kitchen. A passive aggressive horror story
My husband asked what I was doing and my phone changed tweeting to twerking and now he has questions.
heres my To Do List – become the new kfc colonel, mess with texas, invent a new animal just to piss off scientists
“Any drugs or alcohol, sir?”
“No thanks. Getting those things from a cop seems awfully setup-ish.”