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Me: *taking a family photograph*
Family: Did that guy just steal our picture?
It seems like every time I consider arson, the price of gas goes up.
Superman could shit sauerkraut and they’d still love him. But when I do it, everyone’s like “gross katie”, and “now you’ve ruined the hot tub for all of us”.
Everything went according to a plan I didn’t have.
Things that go bump in the night except it’s me sneaking back in from the pub.
A guy knocked on my door asking for a donation for the Abandoned Children’s Home…so I gave him my kids.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
The best part of vacation with your extended family is talking shit about them on the trip home.
You know how women go to bathrooms in packs? Now we do it on Zoom.
Walruses? Walri? Walrus?
Anyway…They’ve escaped.
*writes “Place sacrifice here” on baby changing station in Wal-Mart bathroom*
Wife: We have 4 kids already, I think we should start using protection!
Me: haha yes I’ll sort it[Later]
Son: Dad can I have-
Bouncer: Step back
One tricky thing about kids crying is trying to determine if they broke a crayon or got their arm stuck in a piece of farming equipment.
I’ll bet crowds were super disappointed every time Abraham Lincoln took the stage & didn’t pull a rabbit out of that hat.
Of all of the profound disappointments that I have faced in my life, be they personal or professional, none is more firmly fixed in my mind, nor more likely to have caused my deeply-rooted trust issues, than the discovery at age four that Play-Doh doesn’t taste the way it smells.
The danger of me asking why people don’t like Taylor Swift’s new boyfriend is that someone might tell me.
I’m going to subtly spread my brownie crums across your car because I silently resent you for changing the song.
*First and last date:
“Wanna see my rain predictin’ knee?”
me: here is a list of Adult Swim cartoon characters I’m attracted to
therapist: can we talk about your depression?
me: we are
Me: Doctor, I’m not ready to be a father yet.
Doctor: Your daughter is 10.
Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how brilliant they are, other times my 5 year old puts on a clean shirt without taking the dirty one off first.
ME: Got any hobbies?
DATE: I’m a big horse fan
ME: You’re thinking of a giraffe
This bouncer’s lucky I’m with my lady and physically frightened of him or he’d be in a world of pain.
Go girl power!
My gf & I are toying w/the idea of changing both of our last names rather than hyphenate
Easier & we can have fun with it
Mrs Velociraptor.
Jesus: my child, when there was only one set of footprints, Fred Flintstone was driving.
Sometimes the only reason I leave my house is so when someone asks about my day I don’t have to say “Netflix and avoiding responsibilities”
ok, hypothetically, if I stop to smell the roses, will I have to bend down to smell the roses or are these roses already at nose height