Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
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him: you’re a riot
me: which one
him: haha it’s an expres-
me: i am the haymarket riot of 1886
him: ok…
me: im not some potato riot
Toy Story (1995) – A influential local leader harasses an immigrant who is struggling to adapt to local customs.
I let my kids choose between walking to get pizza or driving to get tacos because it’s important for them to feel like they have some control in their lives and I really want tacos.
the queerest moment of my life was a first date with a cute girl that was going really well until she said “I hate cats” and I was like ohhh and she was like “should we just end this now?” and I was like “ugh. yeah probably” and then we hugged goodbye
Me: [I run into the break room at work] You! You have summoned me! I am here.
Coworker: What?
Me: You just summoned me. I heard you.
Coworker: I opened a can of Spaghettios.
Me: Yes.
If you hear one of the high piano keys repeating slowly, you’re either watching a trailer for a horror movie, or you are a parent.
I’ve just realised that Ryan Reynolds and Ryan Gosling are two different people.
5 shots + 18 beers = 6 apologies
So out of it today. Was squeezing honey in my tea and thought, “Can’t believe this stuff comes from bears.”
Fortunately, I’m just tall enough to see out of these 2 holes in my face
Clark Kent: *removes glasses*
Freddie Prinze Jr: wow I never realized how beautiful you are
Her: I’m pregnant!
Bob Ross: [shocked] That’s…a mistake.
Her: Well we didn’t plan it, but don’t you always say-
Bob Ross: THAT is about PAINTING, Linda!
Prison Guard: *evil laugh* I’m going to do a cavity search.
Me, who has never had a cavity because I brush regularly: I look forward to it!
I’m not making that mistake again.
Gin: Wrong.
Don’t get too excited when someone says “and Bob’s your uncle”. It’s just a figure of speech
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
It never gets old to hear someone say “Oh no” when I say I’m calling from the health department
“and that’s why you should always put your stuff away” I lecture my kid as we search for the missing candy I ate while she was sleeping
Please help. My husband just started running. He runs in jeans. With a belt. I don’t have anyone I can talk to about this. I am so alone.
me: you’re probably wondering why I gathered you here today
platter of various cheeses:
I get it cicadas, I too come once every seven years
Netflix: are you still watching
Alexa: yeah he’s here
Me: 😳
rhino: how did you go extinct?
dinosaur: giant meteor from space, you?
rhino: hunted by cruel man, how about you big guy
panda: just couldn’t be bothered to have sex to be honest, just fell over a lot, rolled about
Me [doing a lovely soft shoe routine and nailing it]
Brother: Are you serious? This is my sentencing hearing
Judge [teary]: Just wonderful
I believe you cannot save people, you can only just love them. Which is probably why my job as a lifeguard didn’t last long.
Future historians will be asked which quarter of 2020 they specialize in.
Happy Passive Aggressive day! Don’t worry, I didn’t want you to get me anything anyway. No, it’s fine. Don’t worry about it.
Why are all of these OnlyFans accounts following me? I’m not going to pay for your nudes, I can look at myself naked in the mirror for free
You know how when you’re in sixth grade and you love someone you express it by being mean and throwing rocks at them? That’s Me. I love you.
what is the opposite of FOMO called? like when you see something you could have gone to and you’re like glad i missed out on that shit