@Contwixt

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

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@mountainlex

I’m always surprised when heavily tattooed couples have a baby and it comes out blank

@jazz_inmypants

[when I’m home]

me: *uses the same towel for {Censored} days in a row*

[at a hotel]

me: (calling the front desk) yea hi can you send up a few more towels I used up the 4 you gave me and I haven’t even showered yet

@elle91

Me: Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]
[Takes a nap]
[Watches 11 videos of UFO sightings on YouTube] l
[Stares at a tree]
Holy shit I have so much to do
[Has a snack]

@withanewname

psychic: “I see… I see kids in your future”
me: “but I’ve had a vasectomy”
[9 months later … me tending a goat farm]
“This’s bullshit”

@morninggloria

Guys can we please civil war somewhere with shade? It’s really hot and some people want to bring their dogs

@Schmoodles

Me: Girls’ night in!!!

Cat: I’m a cat.

Me: You’re my best friend.

Cat: I’m not even a girl cat.

Me: So it’s like a date?

Cat: Get help.

@Darlainky

I don’t have an alarm clock, unless you count my dog’s bladder.

@AJslackie

Sex so bad, Taylor Swift breaks up with you and doesn’t even write a song about it.

@knot_eye

“Well … I’ll be dammed.”

Bodies of water when they see beavers coming.