@Contwixt

Check out this list number 5 is awesome.
1.
2.
3.
4.
5.awesome

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@mom_needsalife

Me: I will do anything to not gain weight this holiday season.

Friend: limit your food intake, don’t drink alcohol, and exercise.

Me: No, not like that.

@pleatedjeans

[tells friend cat passed away]
Is there anything I can do?
Yes [holds up fur coat] put this on & lie in my lap
But I-
[starts crying]
OK OK

@Stella1070

I was so excited. Thought I found an M&M at the bottom of my purse. It was only an earbud. I ate it anyway.

@s8n

*watches the ring*
The ring : You will die in 7 days
*slides her a 20*
Me : Make it 3

@novicefather

Don’t be that crazy person who collects cats. Collect something else instead like toenails.

@sploosk

ME: I’ve spent my whole life running
THERAPIST: from who you are?
ME: [thinking about that one time I threw a boomerang into a tornado] no

@Divergentmama

The Shining is my favorite book about the importance of work-life balance

@sixfootcandy

Husband: You want to have sex?

Me: We probably shouldn’t because I’m coughing.

Husband: Ewww. I didn’t say I wanted to kiss.

Me:

@FatBottomGirl1

Acupuncture for weight loss huh? I’ve had little pricks before, and they never helped me work off any pounds.

@carboncaitlin

i just overheard this conversation from my family and i honestly give up jesus christ

sister: the bus driver earlier had sunglasses on + it’s been raining all day

dad:

sister: i wonder why. maybe he was blind?

dad: oh yeah, maybe

[they watch tv in silence]

me: ?????