[Checking in at Comic Con]
Attendant: How long did you spend on your cosplay?
Me: Seven months
A: *Hands me a badge marked “Casual”*
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I’m not afraid to double-text, it makes me feel like a Victorian gentleman gently throwing stones at a window to draw a lady out of her chambers
People would be more motivated to lose weight if the weight they lost went on to someone they didn’t like. 🤷🏻♀️ 🍩
No thanks, fantasy football. I already have a fantasy boyfriend, a fantasy sex life & a fantasy bank account.
I’m good.
the first rule of OCD club is that there must be a second rule so we have an even number of rules
Eating a block of cheese is probably the most delicious way to figure out it’s time to get some groceries.
what kind of cook setting is this??
oh you like architecture? name three walls
can we get some a.i. to pick plastic out of the ocean or do all the robots need to be screenwriters?
Him: You need to be more active in your community.
My Community: NOOOOO!!!!
“Where do you see yourself in 5 years?” Bro, I’m just trying to make it to Friday.
…anyway I thought that piece of hair was a spider on my shirt
Me, explaining why I ended up naked in Walmart
DATE: did I say something to upset you?
ME: *stabbing my pasta extra hard with my fork* everyone is entitled to their opinion about the best ninja turtle, Karen
There’s a fine line between a mirror and the end of this rolled up dollar bill.
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
WIFE: It’s great having kids, isn’t it?
ME: Oh yeah, it’s the best
W: How long until they go to bed?
ME: 4 hours, 17 minutes & 26 seconds
Christmas Warning:
Every guy dressed in red that asks you what you want while you sit on his lap, is not Santa.
Rabbits who hang out in indie pet stores are hopsters.
M: I’m so glad school started!
12: Can you help me with my math?
M: OMG WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME?!
My new dry-erase whiteboard can be
summed up in one word : “remarkable”
I’m so anti-social, my misery loathes company.
Put the spoiled milk back in the fridge and hope it gets better.
– What I think when I hear someone is getting back together with an ex.
[following girl off elevator] you cant hate snakes and then say u love dragons, because theyre actually extremely similar. in a lot of mytho
I was pretty high last night & I was like wouldn’t it be cool if there was a tiny little grocery store in everybody’s home, like a personalized little convenience store for one, and then I realized that I was literally just describing the experience of walking into ur own kitchen
Nothing sucks more than a Monday.
Daylight Savings Time: Oh hey guys!
Good Friday. No. Stop, I said no. NO. BAD FRIDAY. BAD.
Scientist proclaim “This is our last hope” as they load cats into a giant old timey cannon pointed at an asteroid not hurdling toward earth.
My wife never mentions my mistakes, she saves them for the weekly PowerPoint presentation.
Interviewer: What can you bring to the Lego creative team?
God: I’m God. I’ve created a lot of things.
Angel: *whispers* Show him the platypus.
I eat oatmeal in the morning to help my cholesterol. I eat cheese for the rest of the day because I ate oatmeal in the morning.