I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug
My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.
Of course I’m English.
I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.
“how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode” – creator of zebras
No one uses the word “ducking”. No one.
Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.
The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.