[checking into a hotel]
Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away
Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here
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Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
I’m sorry I threw up on your kid but to be fair, he threw up on me first.
ME: *holding my crying newborn son* There. There. I ALSO find myself very upsetting.
My 6yo hacker daughter has discovered that she can use her Google mini to control her brother’s Google mini in his room.
I just had to scold her for messing with him by remotely playing random music that he hates, just to troll him
I’m not ready for this.
I’m not sure who looks more frightened & confused when someone knocks on my door, the dog or me?
Cross a mobster in the streets. Horse’s head in the sheets.
Just sayin’ witchdoctors are gonna have to pick a side when the shit goes down between witches and doctors.
Wife: Is dinner ready?
Me: Not yet.
Wife: Are you using the slow cooker?
Me: You could say that
Him: no one will steal your identity that way
Me [disposing of old underwear by cutting it into strips like a credit card over a trashcan]: you don’t know that
COP: Have you been drinking?
ME: [carrying 2 penguins I just stole] Good God I hope so
Me: You ate radishes.
Friend: How can you tell?
Me: You’re burping them.
F: They were really good radishes.
Me: Not from where I’m standing.
me: are there really aliens at area 51
pentagon official: that’s confidential
me: then how’d i hear about it
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
[restaurant]
Manager: You’re fired.
Me: Why?!
Manager: You’re a bad waiter.
Me: *sitting with a family waiting for their food* I disagree.
[Shark Tank]
Me: [holding tiny top] It’s called Blouses For Mouses™CEO: The plural of mouse is mice.
M: Ok, Blice for Mice™ then whatever
Everyone’s a genius until faced with an alien coffee maker
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
I was the most patient parent and then I had kids.
If you’re ever intimidated by someone just imagine them opening a capri sun
If someone is jogging at 7am on a Sunday – it’s because they’ve just killed someone right?
If it looks like a duck & swims like a duck & talks like an angry duck policeman, then you about to fail a sobriety test son
[first day as a judge]
ME: *bangs gavel* order! order!
GUY: *lowers menu* take it easy buddy what’s with the robe
Your date leans in and whispers “I’m not wearing panties.” You shiver. She continues: “I pooped a little and had to throw them away.”
Me: *is utterly starved for affection and understanding*
Universe: Best I can do is a tweet from a puppet.
Don’t Photoshop them into your profile pic after the first date. That’s weird. Wait until the second one.
kidnapper: we have your son
dad: his fault for staying out all night
kidnapper: we took him from his bedroom
dad: well he probably wasn’t in bed like he shoulda been
kidnapper: he was
dad: on his phone probably
kidnapper: fast asleep
dad: i guarantee you he was faking it
” All I’m saying is if your girl wasn’t thinking about me during sex, why is she always screaming my name?”
-God
maybe i don’t ACTUALLY like bad boys im just really into alliteration
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy