@Rica_Bee

[checking into a hotel]

Front desk employee: Thank you ma’am, we’ll make up a room for you right away

Me: aren’t… aren’t there real rooms here

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@UnFitz

I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?

@stevezorz

Facebook now tags fake news stories from sites like The Onion with #satire to protect users who lack 1st grade critical thinking skills.

@noog

You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.

@chrissyteigen

Does the baby have access to my ribs? It feels like they’re bars and she’s an old timey prisoner with a tin mug

@chryztl

My neighborhood barber just got arrested for selling drugs… I’ve been his customer for 6 years… I had no idea he was a barber.

@_NTFG_

Of course I’m English.

I’m the retard convict cousin you shipped off to Australia back in the day.

@ramenfuneral

“how about an animal that looks like a cross between a horse and a barcode” – creator of zebras

@FrizerkaSandra

Whoever said you cannot live off of wine and cheese alone did not try hard enough.

@Storminika

The rodents in my home are so damn big, they step in the glue traps and wear them like flip-flops around the house.