[checking on my daughter at bedtime]

Me: Why are your legs up like that?

5: Because I don’t want the monster to eat my feet.

Me: That’s crazy, put them down. Besides monsters don’t eat feet, they like hands.

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[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*

Hey baby, what’s your name?



hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla


Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.


me: sorry if I’m bothering you

lifeguard pulling me to shore: what


Computer: would you like to update?

Me: remind me tomorrow


Me: I did not see this coming


Me: i want a ferraro

Friend: ferrari?

Me: no just one


If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.


[at the store]

Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Wife: …
Me: The force is strong with this one
Wife: …
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Wife: …
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?


Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.