Him: what’s your favorite season?
Me: Reese’s Egg Season
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My grandparents just gave me a mint condition GameCube as a surprise because they know I love video games. They think it’s new 😂🥺
windmills are bad bc they blow god further away from the planet, making it harder for him to hear our prayers
Lonely? Just glue a coffee cup to the roof of your car. Everyone will wave to you.
Me: I can’t believe you read horoscopes, such garbage.
Her: You’re right. When are you shaving again?
Me: Not til after the playoffs..why?
When I walk into a car dealership, I bring twenty senior citizens that are dying to talk to someone, so I can look at vehicles in peace
People who walk while looking at their phones and expect me to get out of the way… LOL.
toddler: daddy do you like this book?
me: no
toddler: *snuggles in* perfect
omg the traffic lights are red and green for Christmas 🥺
“Did it hurt…when you fell from heaven and lost the use of your legs?”–bad pick-up line to use on a handicapped person
ME: [on the phone] Plz come home from work
WIFE: Why
ME: Theres a spider in the bathroom
WIFE: so kill it
ME:[whispering] its got my gun
9: The remote isn’t working
me: Did you smack it?
9: Yep
me: Did you push the button down really hard?
9: Yep
me: Well I’m out of ideas
My husband is traveling and my 9yo wants to talk to me about our “sleeping situation” tonight. I’m never getting the bed to myself again, am I?
Who needs Google when you’ve got a brother-in-law who knows it all?
i think a great bit would be if petsmart had just one big evil looking sword in this section
me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
Wow, you’re a Sagittarius??
That must mean you’re trusting, passionate and thick as pig shit to think I care about horoscopes
Finally!
I respected tiger sharks a lot more after I realized how many hurdles tigers and sharks had to overcome to breed with each other.
GUY WHO INVENTED STEW:
I wish this plate of meat & vegetables was damp.
Crowds hated it but the best weapon for fighting a lion in the gladiator ring was a spray bottle and a firm “NO.”
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
Oh really? I swallow eight spiders a year in THEIR sleep
I don’t always drink tequila but when I do, where the hell are my clothes?
i love it when my pets sigh like what ails you my little unemployed freeloader
If the pandemic has taught us anything, it’s how much we can do with our knuckles and elbows.
PRIEST: Do you take this this woman, to have and to hold, for better, for worse, until death do you part?
ME: Well, now you made it weird.
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10
Today my husband ate margarine with a spoon. Long story short, I’m unable to see a future with him. We had a good run.
If I was a man my favorite hole would still be the donut hole.