[checking on my daughter at bedtime]
Me: Why are your legs up like that?
5: Because I don’t want the monster to eat my feet.
Me: That’s crazy, put them down. Besides monsters don’t eat feet, they like hands.
You Might Also Like
[At a San Francisco Dance Club]
*Grinds cute girl in a mini-skirt*
Hey baby, what’s your name?
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Don’t date guys from the internet. The last guy said he lived in a gated community. Prison, he meant prison.
me: sorry if I’m bothering you
lifeguard pulling me to shore: what
Computer: would you like to update?
Me: remind me tomorrow
Me: I did not see this coming
Me: i want a ferraro
Me: no just one
If my dog goes missing I have 3,789,897 current photos. If my kids go missing I have 3 photos from 5 years ago.
[at the store]
Me: Your powers are weak, old man
Me: The force is strong with this one
Me: Together we can rule the galaxy
Me: Luuuuuuuke, I am your father
Wife: Can you just pick out a damn fan already?
Everything is so great right now, she exclaimed.
Morgan Freeman: It WAS great. And so it was now that the universe decided to intervene.