*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
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Joked to my kid that he ate too many skittles and I wouldn’t buy him any for 10 years, and he responded with, oh so I can’t have them again until you’re 50, and now we’re both mad.
gonna mess with my husband by texting “send nudes” when he’s in a work meeting
Me: Sorry, my son spilled the water
Waiter: No problem, I’ll get you a new one
Me: [grabbing his arm] Make sure this one likes sports
Me: I just used my debit card to buy some running shoes.
Coworker: New Balance?
Me (turning red): Fourteen dollars & 23 cents.
Has anyone seen my jacket? It’s white with sleeves that make you hug yourself and a cute belt.
“Woo, I’m on a roll today, baby!”
-butter
The funniest thing about Batman is that he legitimately doesn’t give a shit about crime that happens during the day.
[Police Line up]
Cop: Please point to the one who cut your arms off
Me:
I hate it when I’m digging my own grave at gunpoint and I discover buried treasure.
Whoever said diamonds are a girl’s best friend has clearly never worn leggings.
If your Tesla catches fire and locks you inside it’s not a problem, you just have to look up a ten minute YouTube video to figure out how to escape
I wanna know why it’s embarrassing for me to talk to my kid when he’s gaming. Like bro, they know you don’t live alone.
Me (a pediatrician): *hands your baby a disassembled carburetor* Let’s test his motor skills
Someone forgot to pay the earths yearly subscription fee for “being ok” after the free trial ended.
You’ve heard of Christ on a cracker, now get ready for Beelzebub on a biscuit
[sees people filming a movie] yeah real original. a movie. like that’s never been done before
sky writing doesn’t always have to be positive, come on people
BARISTA: what can I get you
ME: medium roast please
B: ok, your gray roots are getting obvious and you have the silhouette of a potato
M: *under breath* damn
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
My girlfriend said we should each pick a “hall pass”, just in case we ever met that person. I chose Kate Upton and she chose her roommate Connor
[blind date]
HER: I’m a light eater
ME {trying to impress her}: I once swallowed a halogen bulb
Me: You can be anything you want when you grow up
Son: I want to be a dinosaur
Me: I meant like a job. Like you could be president.
Son: I want to be the first dinosaur president
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
KANYE: I made Taylor Swift famous
TRUMP: We should ban all Muslims
KANYE: BILL COSBY INNOCENT
TRUMP: THE POPE SUCKS
KANYE: damn ur good
Calling bullshit on news that the Amazon is burning. I just got a package delivered from them today
When your printer uses up half your new ink cartridge aligning the print head. Well played printer companies.
Why do they call it alcoholics anonymous if you introduce yourself?
Haloween is over, but i just saw a group of people dressed up as the ghosts of the Cone Heads.