Instead of yelling “Hello?” when u think a murderer’s in your home, say “Goodbye” Then if he’s there he’ll be like well OK guess I’m leaving
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Love is for stupid people who don’t have Twitter.
Johnny: Frankie said we gotta unload all these pocket watches tonight and I dunno if we can do it.
Fat Sam: [opening door to hypnotist’s convention] Don’t worry about it. I got an idea.
everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
Hell hath no fury like a toddler who wanted his peanut butter and jelly sandwich cut into triangles until you cut it into triangles
Man online: You will die childless and alone with your 30 cats.
Me: Sweet.
*romantically sprinkles a rose pedal path to the dirty dishes
So I just moved into my new apartment.
Directly below me is a police station.
It would appear that I am above the law.
It doesn’t take long after becoming a parent to figure out why the people that wrote nursery rhymes sounded like they were drunk.
At a restaurant: “Would you like a table?” “No, not at all. I came here to eat on the floor. Carpet for 5 please.”
The worlds largest aircraft prototype is called the Air Lander 10. The helium pumped hybrid aircraft consists of an airplane, airship and helicopter built all in one.
I really really hope parallel universe me is vomiting on my cat’s carpet right now.
I’m white, but…
Nope. Can’t do one of those today.
Look, I’m at a B&B on Cape Cod right now.
I’m a fanny pack away from translucent.
everybody’s gangsta until seaweed touches their leg
Indiana Jones and the Childproof Cap
(hours before leaving on a road trip)
You know what, let’s give ourselves an entire makeover.
Glad I’m not a general, because auto-correct just changed “lunch order” to “launch order.”
After days stranded at sea on the edge of starvation, my 4yo is rescued & given bread:
“This has seeds on it,” she scoffs, pushing it away.
Neo is 57-years-old he’s definitely taking the blue pills.
{my first day as a football announcer}
wow those guys really want that coconut there must be a genie inside.
If a girl has magnetic personality and still She can’t attract the desired boy.
Then that means the boy has iron deficiency.
“Look we LOVE the script for ‘Murder Bees’, just change the name to ‘My Girl’ and you’ve got yourself a movie!!”
When an ex mansplains something to you it’s called “explaining”
*Grilling salmon
TELL ME WHAT YOU WERE DOING SWIMMING UPSTREAM LAST WEEK
In Japanese, a cat sitting compactly with all its legs pulled in under its body is affectionately known as KŌBAKO-ZUWARI—or ‘sitting like an incense box’. The English equivalent is a CATLOAF.
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
My cat looks at me like “I would have been a god in ancient Egypt, I’ll have you know”.
“…until death do us part” okee sure, death of what tho?
Her: You’ll never guess what I did today.
Me: You’re right. *gets up, leaves the room*
James Bond is enjoying a tranquil shower at home after leaving active service. However, his peace is short-lived as his old CIA friend shows up and asks for help. In the riveting new film, “No Time To Dry”
Ugh my boyfriend’s all “Stop asking my Dad if he likes your underoos” and “Stop snap-chatting my Mom” and “Stop calling me your boyfriend”