*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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Happy Caturday!
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
Once upon a time,
You weren’t listening to the story mommy was reading to you so everyone in the book dies. The end.
Day 218 of making fun of CrossFit.
“My uncle died from mineral exposure.”
“Barium?”
“No. We had him cremated.”
so much to do
Damn boy, are you leftover pizza in the fridge? Because I’ve been thinking about you all night…
got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
As a mom of 18 & 20 year olds: save while your kids are young, then at graduation, buy yourself a new car & send them to community college.
Olive Garden would be a beautiful name for a baby though
“Honey, it’s not that I don’t like your cooking, it’s just that the smoke’s about to asphyxiat our family.”
“WHAT’D YOU SAY ABOUT MY ASS??”
My cousin told everyone he could do a backflip. We all gathered around him. He said, “I can’t do it if you’re watching.” #MyFamilyIsWeird
[Back To the Future, 2018]
Marty’s dad: She texted me back! What do I say??
Marty: I got it. Lemme see…*sends SpongeBob gif and immediatly starts disappearing*
hey guys I’m having a tough time deciding who to believe. On one hand, the most prestigious doctors in the world are saying COVID-19 is something to take very seriously. But at the same time, this guy I went to high school with who “sees through the media” says otherwise. help 🥺
Like dad use to say, if it ain’t broke, obviously my kid hasn’t touched it yet.
Good times!
“Plumber kept hitting things with his head, attempted to climb INTO drain, took my coin collection, killed my pet turtle.
0/10 stars, would not recommend.”
– Super Mario Bros. Online review
I remember when I used to play hard to get.. now I’m like hi i love you, ring size 4.5, my uterus is healthy, please marry me.
Me: sorry I can’t make it to your party tonight but I’m kinda popular & I can’t jeopardise that by being seen with you..
Daughter: wtf dad?
I’ve got moves like Jagger, too…
…so far all it’s gotten me is unnecessary medical attention.
(Has hundreds of bad experiences smelling things)
Him: Smell this
Me: Okay
Squirrels don’t hibernate in the winter they just get angry.
According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
Mankind has made a lot of mistakes, some of them truly monstrous. The Holocaust. Slavery. Calling it a “corn maze” and not a “maize maze.”
Whenever I’m feeling fat, I try not to stress about it and just keep my chins up.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I went on a date with a young woman who didn’t wanna sneak snacks into the movies. Not sure which direction life has taken her but I hope she’s well because I wasn’t sticking around for that.
If the work week didn’t already exist and someone pitched the idea of everyone working 5 out of every 7 days they’d get thrown in a volcano
boss: you’re fired. clean out your desk.
me, a janitor: look, am I fired or not?
At my funeral I want there to be a big ‘live laugh love’ sign with the ‘live’ crossed out
You’d think that the guy in charge of putting pepperoni on frozen pizzas would’ve been up for a performance review by now.