@AmishPornStar1

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

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@imskytrash

LOL: laughing out loud
SMH: shaking my head
LMAKNIWNFYSP: leave me alone kyle no i will not follow your SoundCloud page

@hippieswordfish

*swallows pride*
*reads the label*
‘this pride may contain nuts*
oh no
*swells with pride*

@WryBry

Do people who knit know about the industrial revolution?

@SamuelHLowe

– Do you take a shower after having sex?
– Yes, of course.
– Well, how about getting laid a little more often.

@HatfieldAnne

Did I tell you about the time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose? No? One time I knocked down a kid with my bag on purpose.

@WilliamRodgers

I love when people spend 7 minutes trying to back into a parking space just so they can leave “quicker”