Him: Are you perioding?
Me: Are you deathwishing?
*checks BMI chart*
*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*
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PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?
PB: Excuse me?
ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.
I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.
Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.
Highway to Hell is my favorite song about walking down the aisle.
Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.
People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.
Just saw a redhead break his arm. #GingerSnap
March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.
July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.
me trying not to do anything stupid on the first date