@AmishPornStar1

*checks BMI chart*

*adds “get taller” to New Year’s resolutions*

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@jordan_stratton

PAROLE BOARD: And what would you do if released?

ME: Crimes.

PB: Excuse me?

ME: *leans into mic* RHYMES. I’M SUPER INTO POETRY NOW.

@HMittelmark

I just read a short, astounding opening sentence that employs a semicolon, so that it will alienate all those who are put off by semicolons, but uses it incorrectly, so that it will also alienate those who aren’t.

@byrdie_num_num

Few people have the balls to admit when they’re wrong. Then again, few people have talking balls.

@UnFitz

Her: You must think our relationship is some sort of game.
Me: Nope. Games are fun.

@BrownDogBlanket

People think I’m a good listener because I am quiet when they’re talking, but really I’m just thinking of how I can create a diversion and run away.

@samstein

March 23: Trump pretends to drive big-rig. House bill falls apart.

July 17: Trump pretends to drive firetruck. Senate bill falls apart.