Me: *Eating Swedish Fish*
Alexander Skarsgård: OH NO, MY KOI POND!
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Avril Lavigne and Chad Kroeger’s engagement proves that not only is love blind, it’s also deaf.
two things can be true at once. for instance, I love my children more than anything, and I am also constantly counting the hours until bedtime to the goddamn second
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
Kids make friends in 5 seconds, adults make friends in 5 drinks.
Too bad the Kardashian show couldn’t be like “The Ring” and kill anyone who watches it.
Headed to the local Memorial Day parade so the boys can get a bunch of candy I’ll be throwing away in 6 months.
How we blocked people in the 90s 😄
Wishy-washy sounds like someone that’s optimistically clean.
in my opinion yamaha is probably the best grand piano/motorcycle company out there
Me: please don’t tell my dad you’re a politician
*Later*
My dad: so what do you do?
Him: I get paid to lie to people
My brother has been remodeling his guest bathroom for over a year. The door has been off for almost as long.
And that’s how you keep people from visiting your house.
not interested in dating apps, not interested in talking to random people in coffee shops/bars/shops… need my soulmate to find me through intuition and echo location rn immediately
Flex on your dinner host by excusing yourself mid meal to go take a bath
Online dating rule: If we meet up offline, and you look nothing like your pictures, then you’re buying me drinks until you do.
My insurance company said if my tent is stolen while I’m camping, I won’t be covered.
I wonder how long until my guy friends figure out I only invite them over to kill bugs for me
“If you’re having girl? Problems. I feel bad. For you? Son.” -Russian guy telling his pregnant wife he hopes it’s a boy.
Just misread a headline ‘Trump wins big’ as ‘Trump bins wig’. I thought: ‘about time too’.
Re: global warming and the cold weather
“Liberals keep telling me the Titanic is sinking but my side of the ship is 500 feet in the air.”
House 4 Sale: older home w/ character & charm. Lovely bookshelves. Ignore Matthew McConaughey, we don’t know how he got trapped in the wall.
On Christmas Eve remember to take a Lexus out for a 24-hour test drive and park it in your neighbor’s driveway with a giant bow on it.
I’m writing a song about this year, so far i have AAAAAAAAH OH MY GOD WHAT IS HAPPENING
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
FUN FACT:
Scientists have proven, there IS in fact life outside the United States.
Anxiety tip: Next time you cringe over some embarrassing moment you had years ago try to remember other people’s embarrassing moments. You can’t can you? That’s because you’re the only embarrassing human to exist, everyone else is always thinking about how cringey you are.
I hate when I’m playing air guitar and I break an air string.
Me: This whole lockdown is making it very hard to find my soulmate.
Husband: I’m sitting right here.
I made a barista at Starbucks cry when I put my name down as “Dad” and he just stood there calling it over and over
*puts finger over your lips*
Shhhhhhhhhhhhh
*feeds you more applesauce making airplane noises*
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )