@briangaar: [checks facebook] I don't remember everyone I went to high school with loving the national anthem this much
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@PaperWash: Can you imagine getting the girl of dream's phone number and her first text to you she spells it "defantely"
@DadandBuried: As far as I'm concerned, anyone who suggests I should have a third child is committing a hate crime.
@AndrewNadeau0: WIFE: I said not to get a pet snak- ME: Secretary. WIFE: What? ME: He’s not a pet. He’s Secretary of Snake. WIFE: …Please don’t tell me his nam— ME: Kenny Hissinger.
@figgled: TO MY SECRET ADMIRER: thank u for the flowers!! You accidentally had them sent next door & the card says 'Penelope' but it's ok I love them😍