I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.
Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
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being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”
Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”
Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”
Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”
Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”
If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?
Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.
The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.
I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!
My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.