Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
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My mom, watching a scary movie: Be careful if you’re going in the backyard, I thought I saw someone walking around out there.
Me: What. Like a cat?
My mom: No, it was definitely bigger than that.
Just removed my bra, whipped it around my head, and tried to toss it away, but a hook got caught in my hair. Available for bachelor parties.
The fact that no one on House Hunters has ever looked at a bathroom and said “I can picture myself taking a dump in here” is a tragically missed opportunity
Why do they call it a ‘reading of the will’ and not a dead giveaway?
*puts a Santa hat on your Halloween decorations*
“Put cheese on it.”
“It’s not-”
“Put cheese on it.”
“Really now, you-”
“Everything gets better with cheese on it.”
“Sir, it’s a BROKEN LEG.”
If a bullet train doesn’t come out of a train gun I don’t want it
Realized I never said “unquote” after reciting a famous poem in 10th grade. Sorry if you thought everything I’ve said since is Shakespeare
every day around 8:30PM my body says “let’s go to bed” but I fight it and stay up til’ 3am anyway like the idiot adult toddler I am.
My rings were getting loose so I gained ten pounds.
“I have a favourite hole”, me, at the pool table.
Me: Hi. I’d like to deposit a large amount of cash.
Bank teller: Ok. Where is it?
Me: No, I said I’d like to.
*dies*
*gets to heaven*
*sees furries everywhere*
Me: What the…
Jeebus: Hell hath no furry, man
*laughs, puts on giraffe costume*
first day in the secret service. all the guys hazed me into kissing the president
my wife’s lover: what about your husband
“he won’t be home from the camouflage store for hours”
[plant in the corner cocks gun]
[first day as astronaut]
*vomits
Me: That’s normal, right?
Instructor: Not during a written exam, no
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
My friend never knew the difference between ‘infer’ and ‘imply’ which was never an issue until he opened a club called Disco Implyno
She’s dating the both of us bro. You’re my boyfriend-in-law.
~every 18 year old.
I think it’s funny when parents get actually mad at people for call themselves a dog mom it’s like yeah no duh it’s not the same thing people actually like their dogs
Wife: Give me $50
Me: Can’t, it’s all tied up in our long-term investment strategy
W: Eh?
M: Gave it all to a psychic for next week’s winning lottery numbers
W: IDIOT
M: Knew she was good, that’s exactly what she predicted you’d say!
W: I despise you
My Nissan uncomfortably seats 7 if any group of people wants to take an intimate road trip
“I got this”
-hypochondriac reading Web MD
Reporter: He was strangled by a loved one
My Murderer: Whoa, love is a strong word
One thing books from 100 years ago teach us is that if you leave a baby in the jungle, it’ll be fine. Better than fine, actually.
If I wanted to have a dry January, I would just look at a photo of my ex every morning.
“I eat a high protein diet” sounds a lot better than, “I pretty much just eat bacon and chicken wings”
my street gang has been walking down the street snapping our fingers in unison for like 3 days, we all forgot why we were doing it
Landlord: The lease said no murders! This is the biggest murder I’ve ever seen.
Crow tenant: *wasted* tell the world, you little shit.
woops did i leave both of my bowling trophies in my hands during sex again that’s embarrassing