@schumoo

Checks for abs
Finds an M&M

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@happymilly1

I just want everyone to know my daughter is a monster. She is dipping french fries in honey mustard. I have failed as a mother.

@poutycorpse

create password…

OVERRATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken

REALLYOVERATEDLIAMNEESONMOVIE

This password is taken too

@jonnysun

being in a hamock is so comfortabel bc it replicates our condition before birth: being caried to earth inside the beak of a giant pelican

@WheelTod

*hijacks plane
*kills pilot
Me *turning to friend: “OK. Now fly this thing!”

Friend: “I can’t fly a plane”

Me: “But you told me you were a master of the skies!”

Friend: “No. Master of *disguise*”

Me: “Then why the heck are you dressed as a pilot!… Ah OK I get it now.”

@jlock17

If our children don’t learn cursive, how will they ever be able to read those inspirational tattoos people put on their ribs?

@GirlRestrained

Oh look a Spider…… Oh look Listerine…. Oh look spider wiggling for life…. Minty fresh dead spider

@Jenny4ashley

My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.

@CruisinSoozan

Anyone want to do the laundry for me? Im exhausted. I can pay you in beanie babies or hot monkey sex.

The monkey’s name is Earl. He bites.

@krisv_723

I found a Squirtle in my pants & I’m not even playing Pokémon Go!

@JennyJohnsonHi5

My heart goes out to all the parents who are about to see how much weight their kids have gained at college during the Thanksgiving break.