Checks for abs
Finds an M&M
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At what age do you have THE talk with your daughter about how she is not the princess of anything and she’ll need to get a job.
Is it 6?
If you enjoy waking up and checking to see what died, get a fish tank
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
(meeting somebody for the first time and panicking)
How to Talk To A Woman Who Is Hiding Behind That Plant. Now She’s In The Alley. Wow, She’s A Fast Runner. How To Talk To The Police.
money is tight this year. everybody is getting a macaroni necklace for christmas
Once my school teacher lectured me for unacceptable behaviour. That’s 30 mins of sleep I am never getting back
i wanted som fried chicken but i didnt have any chicken so i fried an egg adn waited a few years
Age is a hoax perpetuated by Big Birthday Card to keep us from giving the same card every year.
Me: Maybe you should slow down on those granola bars. We got 30 yesterday. And there are…4. 4 left.
Husband: This house is a prison.
*hires skywriter*
YOU CAN’T BLOCK ME
Boss: Can you look this up?
Me: (munching on donut) Internet’s closed.
Boss: Oh.
Me: Yeah, I think they’re vacuuming it or something.
You know when you use hedge trimmers but can quite get the line straight so keep cutting more and more till there’s not a lot left?
Anyway, 10 now has a short haircut
daughter: what are you making me for lunch?
wife: your dad’s making your lunch
daughter: did I do something wrong?
Siri’s on her period. she needs an iPad
The best part about talking to a narcissist is how there isn’t any pressure to add to the conversation.
[Weasel & mink are cuddling, watching a nature documentary]
Narrator: …the mink, a close relative of the weasel
Weasel: Oh no Susan oh god
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
My 4-year-old’s questions while watching me put on makeup for 3 minutes:
-Why is your face melting?
-Why do you make your face look evil?
-Why are you biting your eyeballs with those scissors?
Siri, what kind of candy is in that van?
Hubs and I didn’t touch our phones at all during dinner.
Mainly bc eating crab legs takes two hands, but still, it felt romantic-ish.
The reason Twitter shows “Twitter for iPhone” or “Twitter for Android” is because Jesus will use it later to decide who goes to heaven. Android users obviously.
Honey Boo Boo evolves into Sugar Scab! Pokemon is back baby!
I got mom shamed for giving my kid a chicken nugget like there are way worse things I do to my kids I promise you they won’t be telling their therapist about the chicken nuggets
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
They say I’m too much of a competitive mom but I think kids need encouragement
I SAID SWEEP THE LEG, LILY!-Ma’am, this is just a bake sale
Calories don’t count – no one taught them Math.
My friend tripped and fell, ran into a tree and broke her nose on her morning run this morning. I reminded her, I maybe got a little out of breath, but didn’t hurt anything eating cheesecake in bed.