*checks kid’s backpack*
*finds papers from September and a liquefied banana*
*zips backpack and walks away*
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Starting a band called “Get Off The Stage” so I can pretend everybody’s cheering me on
once when i was a waitress, there was a horse hitched behind the bar.
i asked my boss why. she said “bc you cant get a dui on a horse”
i asked her y not. and she looked at me like i was the absolute stupidest person alive and told me “bc the horse knows wheres its goin”
Of all the essential oils WD40 is the essentialist.
Kids are supposed to dress like their future career at my daughter’s school today and my husband told her to wear a nice shirt with pajama pants and say she was a remote worker on a video call.
[dinner date]
me: here, let me get the door for you
her: no I got it
me: ffs it’s MY microwave
As a dad to two toddlers the majority of my diet is various berries I find on the ground. I’m basically a deer.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
cop: do you know how fast you were going?
me: kinda feel like that’s your job buddy
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Enough with the movies already. We get it. You’re an actor.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Last night I was walking Bizzy, and a friendly stranger asked how old she was. When I told him, he said: “She don’t walk like she’s 15 though!!!” I…I think he catcalled my dog?
HER: I’m breaking up with you..
ME: Is it because W e A re I N a Bl a k H o l e ?
C ¡ !
H
E R: Y
e S
! ! ! !
Playing a game with my kid where she draws a picture and I have one chance to guess what it is and if I’m wrong, everyone’s day is ruined.
When you find the right person, hang on to them with all your might, cuz getting any help at Home Depot can take forever.
May my enemies all have to walk several miles in wet jeans
I may not know much about a lot of things, but this fact I’m sure of:
A smoke detector battery will never go dead during the day.
Mary Poppins: 🎶A spoonful of sugar makes the medicine go down🎶
Death Row inmate: how did you get in here
You’ll get this gun when you pry it out of my cold dead ow hey give that back
“The last thing I want to do is hurt you. First I want to date you & get to know you.”
“You know who needs more attention? Celebrities. Maybe we could give them trophies or something.” Good idea, Oscar. What’d you have in mind?
My wife and I don’t often spend money on luxuries, but when we do, I’m glad it’s for something we can both enjoy like decorative pillows.
Aliens will always remain unidentified because they’re embarrassed to be associated with us humans.
“hey, aren’t you the guy from high school who would disagree with everything?”
no
*goes back to group of friends*
was it him?
“I don’t know”
If you love someone, let them go. If they come back with snacks, it was always meant to be 🖤
It should be a law that if you display a perfect family photo in your house, the six outtakes it took should be elsewhere around the house.
HER: I can’t be with a guy who thinks he’s Optimus Prime
ME: I can change Becky
HER: promise?
ME: into a semi truck
got kicked out of a morgue for promoting body positivity
Went to WalMart today and still had all my kids when I got home. Next week, I’ll try harder.