*checks my phone to see what time it is*
[1 minute later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is cause I wasn’t paying attention*[2 minutes later]
*checks my phone to see what time it is…*
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You’re 15 and miss the 90’s? Yeah, I’m sure those were the best 2 years of your life. Shitting in your pants and eating dirt.
it’s weird that a librarian and a book-keeper are different things
Please don’t get vaccinated. There’s way too many of you.
The most important part of living undetected in someone’s attic is to have fun and be yourself
New Zealand prime minister Jacinda Ardern confirms Easter Bunny is classed as an “essential worker” but it might be “difficult for the bunny to get everywhere” in current circumstances.
Tooth fairy also confirmed as an essential worker.
Some people lean in for a kiss like they’re trying to lick spreadable cheese out of a jar.
learn from a vacuum cleaner, don’t work beyond the limit of your cord…
My toddler threw a clipboard at me. This is no way for a boss to treat an unpaid intern.
[handing out condoms to trick or treaters] give these to your parents, I don’t want more of you coming back next year
Kurt Cobain did not die for you to wear his t-shirt to an Imagine Dragons concert
Friend: *sees my new tattoo of dogs kissing* Whoa! Is that permanent?!
Me: Yup.
Friend: Wow. What’s it mean?
Me: It means I can’t remove it.
If I’m struggling to write new jokes, I find it helps to go on a long walk. Sooner or later I’ll meet someone who hasn’t heard my old jokes.
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
My girlfriend steals all the blankets in her sleep and I wake up cold, next to an adorable linen burrito.
“Asparagus!!!” – italian guy named Gus pleading for his life
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
Respond to every “How was your weekend?” today by staring off into the distance & whispering “So much blood…”
Me, in most situations: quick, incisive decision-making.
Me, thinking about what drink to get at a gas station: To be or not to be; that is the question. Whether tis nobler in the mind to suffer the slings and arrows of outrageous fortune, or to take arms against a sea of troub
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
Are we sure the wise men who brought frankincense and myrrh weren’t just trying to sign Mary up for their essential oils pyramid scheme?
When I get cold in a movie theater, I pull a CVS receipt out of my purse and use it as a blanket.
Nevada be like, omg I think I like him… so how many days should I wait before I call him? Is it 3 days? Cause I think it’s 3 days.
Me: Do you like children?
Him: Yes, I love them.
Me: Good, because I become a huge child when I drink.
Me: Here’s half my income.
Daycare: Cool. Here’s a new virus every other week.
Children give terrible gifts because they’re poor.
Just Instagramed picture of a dog. Now I will have to eat it.
The most romantic movie of all time is definitely Pixar’s UP. That old man really loved his house.
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”