@Michael_Erhart

*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”

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@WritePlay

SIRI: Brian, what goes “blah blah blah, I don’t know anything, please help me”?
ME: Uhh
SIRI: It’s you. That’s what you sound like.

@WritePlay

*I gently remove an eyelash from her cheek*

“Make a wish,” I say.

*I am crushed by a T-Rex wearing a saddle seconds later*

@VeryLonelyLuke

Rey: I want to be your Jedi student.

Me: Did you hear what happened to all my other Jedi students?

Rey: No.

Me: Good. Let’s get started.

@thepaulasuzanne

“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.

@Tw1tter_K1tten

Ate Frosted Mini Wheats this morning, pooped a mini patio set this evening.

@BikiniBabeLover

“PIZZA” IS ACTUALLY AN ANAGRAM…

P – PLEASUREFUL
I – INTERESTING
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
Z – CANT THINK OF ONE
A – “AGG”-CELLENT

@Stap_Jr

You’re not allowed to donate blood if you’ve listened to Kid Rock in the last 6 months.

@BunAndLeggings

When I was 4 my dad got pulled over and I screamed “I have to poop!!!” and the cop let my dad go. When he took me to the bathroom my dad couldn’t stop laughing after I told him I didn’t have to poop, just didn’t want him to get a ticket. Sure hope my kids return the favor

@BonaFideIntent

Keep your friends close & your enemies, in your trunk. Unless you’re crossing a border. Then don’t do that.

@HairyJew4Life

Filing taxes is so depressing.

Do you own a home? No.
Have a spouse? Not even close.
Kids? Not that I know of.

Enjoy your refund, loser