*Checks out grocery item*
Grocery item: “I have a boyfriend.”
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Disney can’t even make a dragon without it looking exactly like Elsa
If I see another Laura on Twitter, I’m going to follow that person.
I’m not saying I’m creating an army of Lauras, but I’m also not *not* saying that.
[watching the Lord of the Rings]
Me: who do you think is more powerful Gandalf or Sauron?
Wife: Sauron’s Wife.
Me: but he’s not married lol.
Wife: then why does he spend 3 movies frantically searching for his lost ring?
Me:
Wife: he’s definitely scared to tell his wife.
Don’t eat yellow snow. Red snow, on the other hand, is debatable. Could be horrible, could be cherry.
What’s the 5 second rule when you drop a baby on the floor?
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
MAMA GRAPE (to Baby Grape): If you’re going outside, be sure not to wear sunscreen so you get all dry and wrinkly!!
PAPA GRAPE: Ah, you’re raisin them well…
Thinking about changing my Christian Mingle account name to, Gimme Psalm Lovin’
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
Dec. 21st Xmas shopping: guy to other guy, “Does she wear earrings?” Long pause. Other guy, ” I don’t know.”
literally so stressful to bag your own groceries in front of a trader joes employee. like playing basketball in front of lebron. please can you scan slower. i’m sweaty and i am getting scared
Everybody’s big on freedom until they find you passed out naked on their boat
Gum commercials exaggerate your odds of kissing a complete stranger in public by 780,000,000%
[creating humans]
God: They will have a powerful immune system
Assistant: Boring
God: ok some will die from eating a peanut
A: Nice, nice
97% of scientists believe climate change is man-made and causes rising sea levels of oceans. The other 3% believe Frank Ocean is an ocean.
Her: My dad’s sister does my taxes
Me: So she’s your accountAunt? Lol, hey, where are you going?
2019: starts making risotto
2021: almost done but not quite
honey, i think the milk’s gone bad
“i only bought it yesterday”
yeah well, look at this..
*milk is running a meth lab in the fridge*
‘Twas the day before Lent, and when it was done, not a creature was sober, not even a nun.
“Nice” – first kangaroo to realise it had a pocket
I would rather see my husband with another woman in his arms than a hammer in his hand.
Waxing my car.
God knows how it ever got to be so hairy
Kid, when asked to do a chore: “I hope this isn’t gonna become a habit.”
I ate a doughnut today with no sprinkles. Diet goals accomplished
Jokes on you DUI Checkpoint, we can no longer afford to drink AND drive.
He died doing what he did best, trying to get a croc to wear a Croc.
Them: We’re concerned about you. We think you’re a Black Widow [offers me cake & coffee]
Me: No thanks. I’m trying not to eat between males
While those 2 guys at the bar were just fantasizing about what they’d do with powerball winnings, I stole their ticket.
the song firestarter, but it’s about my cooking skills