*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

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ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.


Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza


[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.



Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.


Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.


Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free


Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.


Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew


“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy


The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.