@iwearaonesie

*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*

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@ericsshadow

ME: I play for the Philadelphia Eagles.

HER: What position do u play?

ME: I’m a *thinks back to the only game I watched* wide-retriever.

@BluEzeNBrwnSkin

Ate salad for dinner…Mostly croutons and tomatoes. Really, just one big round crouton covered in tomato sauce. And cheese.

Fine. A Pizza

@XplodingUnicorn

[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]

Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.

Wife: You’re naked.

Me:

Wife:

Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.

@heidi420x

Not to brag, but I parallel parked without hitting anything, taking 15 mins, or winding up on the sidewalk. No cars were around, but still.

@ninatreemonkey

Why go to a public pool when strangers on Craigslist will pee on you for free

@SentenceReduced

Worst Friday the 13th ever. Someone stole the baby Jason from our nativity set.

@funnyordie

Roses are red
Violets are blue
Keep your goddamn mouth closed
Whenever you chew

@MsCarlissima

“Holy shit. That butterfly’s gonna be HUGE.”

— First person to find a mummy

@TheTweetOfGod

The real reason David beat Goliath is that when David threw a rock, Goliath threw scissors.