Doctor said I got this skin rash from an unusually high intake of cream & chocolate. Said it’s the worst case of Cadbury Eggsama he’s seen.
*checks sons backpack to see how I did on his project*
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There should be a morning after pill for Supreme Court decisions.
Sarcasm: my second favorite -asm.
during childbirth, a woman can almost experience the excruciating pain felt by a world cup soccer player when someone lightly touches his leg.
today is my son’s 3rd birthday. google let me know i had picture memories of the day. i opened it up to show him but all the pictures i took were apparently of a cannoli i ate immediately after he was born
Hi, I’m a college professor. Years ago I wrote a terrible book no one wanted. Anyway you have to buy it for 80 dollars
Her: what was that about?
Me: I read somewhere if a bear comes too close you should piss yourself to ward him off
Her: at the zoo tho?
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
The flight attendant keeps saying “Please stop asking for peanuts. Busses don’t have flight attendants.”
Don’t you hate when the whole bus is empty, but some guy sits right next to you? I know you do. That’s why I do it.