*Checks typos in the mail before sending*
*Checks again, to be sure*
*Clicks on Send*
*Goes to sent mails*
There’s a typo in the Subject
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*goes into cardiac arrest to avoid small talk with the EMTs*
Come on royal family, it’s not that difficult to name your 3rd child. I have 3 sons, Dustin, Jacob and what’s-his-face.
I’m not hungover. I just like to wear my sunglasses when I open the fridge door. It makes me look cool.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
You can lead a horse to water but I don’t know why you’d want to do that when there are infinitely cooler places to hang out with a horse. Take them out dancing. Go rock climbing. Change it up. Don’t let things get dull. Part of love is constantly surprising each other.
Sorry I marked myself as safe on Facebook after your PowerPoint presentation.
Great way to make friends is to pee in the same urinal someone else is already using.
Never thought I’d be the type of person who competes for attention. Then I got a cat.
Am I supposed to know my own blood type? I don’t even know what types of blood there are
I was hooked on auctions after only going once …going twice
One of my favorite things about sports is when they put the designated object in the designated area ahhhh what a rush
*trying a new meal*
Wife: how do you like it?
Son: *hesitating* my water’s pretty good
Husband: you’re late
Me: would you believe me if I said it’s because I made a healthy breakfast and then went for a jog
Husband: No
Me: Fine, my pop-tart got stuck in the toaster
What Nasa dont want you to know is those space suits they wear, those are actually bee keepers outfits.
Space is full of bees.
The moon is actually a giant hive, its where we get like 95% of our honey from. Check that moon landing footage again, its not grainy, thats a swarm.
*phone rings
15: I hope it’s him!
*phone rings
25: hope it’s about the job
*phone rings
35: (handing phone to stranger) i died. tell them
my family doesn’t play board games at Christmas anymore since that one year my sister ripped a Monopoly board in half and Risk caused a divorce
*Orders something on Amazon because I need a box*
me: i’m so sad and hopeless and directionless
my brains: buy stuff
me: no listen i need a purpose
brain: a purchase?
It’s ok, fake Christmas tree…
…my lights don’t all go on anymore either.
Siri says she is sorry but I’m not sure she means it
Do women who complain about never getting laid know about men?
Me: I could never be a lawyer. Too many details to remember
Also me: [argument w/bf] I’d like to bring the defendant’s attention to Argument Transcript B: article 5, section 2; subsection 2(c) CLEARLY shows defendant made the waitress laugh, THRICE, at dinner last Saturday night
My uncle Don got married outside so he could smoke
Owls don’t look for a mate when it’s raining because it’s too wet to woo.
Netflix and we’ll have to call my ex to get the password.
Found a great app on my phone that I’d forgotten about that shows what you’ll look like as an old person.
It’s called “Camera”.