*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

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friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really


Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.


Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.


I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada


poor person eats crappy cheap food: YOU’RE UNHEALTHY & A STRAIN ON THE SYSTEM
poor person eats fresh fruit: THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE NO SAVINGS


The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam


[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?


Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose


Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”


Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.