@sagarcasm

*Checks typos in the mail before sending*

*Checks again, to be sure*

*Clicks on Send*

*Goes to sent mails*

There’s a typo in the Subject

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@audipenny

friend: wish you were here!

me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really

@kelkulus

Apparently on Facebook you can “like” that someone “liked” something. I just liked the movie “Inception”, and now we wait.

@gruffybeard

Yes kids, Daddy does have a favorite and you’ll find out which one of you it is when my will is read.

@freebirdy31

I said I was sorry three times looking in the mirror and now I’m in Canada

@mechapoetic

poor person eats crappy cheap food: YOU’RE UNHEALTHY & A STRAIN ON THE SYSTEM
poor person eats fresh fruit: THIS IS WHY YOU HAVE NO SAVINGS

@isabelzawtun

The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam

@dafloydsta

[first date]
HER: So, do you have any hobbies?
ME: No, not really.
SOCK PUPPET: You’re not going to tell her about us?

@Darlainky

Vogue- strike a pose
Sleep- strike a doze
Leave- strike a goes
Firefight- strike a hose
Win The Bachelor- strike a final rose
Pitch in MLB- strike the pros
Blizzard- strike a froze
Assault- strike a nose

@dongfuture

Can you say your strengths?
“Your strengths”
No like what are they
“My legs maybe”
No, like for work
“Oh lol sorry, idk prob communication”

@MikeOdenthal

Given how, when I try to eat a banana, I end up holding the peel while the actual fruit falls to the floor, I’m ok never handling a firearm.